Today Is...English Colonists Establish First Permanent Settlement

Of all Great Britain's children, Canada is the one we boast about to other nations, the clean cut polite one of our offspring that everyone likes, the sort of country that would excuse themselves from the table to do a spot of vacuuming and washing up.
Australia has always been the child that we are wary of wanting to show to polite company, lest it would belch loudly and try to set light to it's own farts at the lunch table.
America has always been the one we try and forget about springing from our empirical womb, the sort of country that us parents would receive phone calls from the school inviting us up for a meeting as it has been stealing the other countries lunch money and has been trying to look up the skirts of the girls.
As Britain was at the start of its Empire Building years, it found America and decided we'll have it and in 1607 a bunch of colonists left the green and pleasant land and after five months of puking over the side of a ship, turned up in what would become Virginia and met the local Native Indian inhabitants.
Rather than bringing supplies like any sensible people, the colonists relied on the prayers to their man in the clouds to keep them fed and healthy but God told them to sod off so they ended up begging off Native American's which went ok at the start but they eventually got on like a house on fire with lots of screaming, panic and people running for safety although the Colonists were doing a good job of messing up things themselves by keep dying and stupidly burning the place down and the leader accidentally set off a powder bag which was in his lap and severely charring his own nads so he had to return to Blightly for treatment.
Despite the first lot being complete numpties, America went on to free themselves from the chains of the oppressive British, land a man on the moon and give us Buffy the Vampire Slayer but one can't wondering though, if America hadn't got all cranky and just paid the extra tax and not thrown all that tea into the harbour, would it have become another loved and respected Canada and not...well, America?