I probably should have done the potato and tobacco thing at different times, the amount of times i saw people trying to light up and inhale the potato was embarrassing but once they worked out that the idea was to eat the spud and stick the burning leaves in their mouths they were less reluctant.
I went looking for El Dorado, the lost city of gold after i told the Royal Court that it was definelty, certainly 100% guaranteed there but i never found it but i did find lots and lots of Royal funding to carry on looking and between tropical diseases, a great suntan, bags of brown lumpy things and plants you could inhale, i spent much of my adult life going on adventures at the behest of Queen Elizabeth I, who thought i was great and kept giving me things but the fine carriages, money, luxury estates and as many girls as my tongue could cope with annoyed people, most importantly the soon to be King, James.
The 'coat-in-a-puddle-for-the-queen' trick worked a treat but when Liz died, King James accused me of treason and i decided to defend myself in court and as i later served 13 years in the Tower of London you can guess how well that went.
With time on my hands i did write the first two volumes of the History of the World, the entire history of human civilization starting with the Greeks and Romans which i presented to King James as a 'sorry about the whole treason thing' and he let me go to continue my exploration of the New World as long as i promised not to attack the Catholic Spanish already there.
I crossed my heart and hoped to die and then attacked them for which i was rewarded by having my head chopped off and given to my wife when i made it back to England.
She had it embalmed and carried it around with her for the rest of her life in a red bag but my proud legacy would be introducing the smokers cough and chip shops to England.
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