Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Dealing With The Credit Crisis - Scientifically

As usual, when times get tough we look towards that long haired man tied to a cross for inspiration.
"Some things in life are bad" sang Eric Idle, "They can really make you mad, Other things just make you swear and curse, When you're chewing on life's gristle, Don't grumble, Give a whistle, And this'll help things turn out for the best."
Yes, we are being measured up for a large enough handcart to fit us all in for that trip to Beelzebub's place but there are some things you can do to cheer yourself up. And all scientifically proven although admittedly they could result in premature death if indulged to excess.

If you feel down about your shares dropping like a banker from the 7th floor of the Lloyd's building, have a cigarette. Scientists have found that smoking helps prevent the onset of various forms of dementia. It also suppresses appetite so you will keep your marbles longer and stay slimmer. Probably not the best way to avoid obesity, but it's certainly easier than doing laps at the local pool.

Want to take your mind off the rising cost of a loaf? Clamp your mobile to your ear and have a bash at that hard Sudoku in the Times. Studies at the Bristol Oncology Center have found that people exposed to mobile-phone radiation were 4% faster at certain mental tasks than others.

Fed up watching the gloomy faced anchorman explaining short selling yet again? Don't do anything drastic like go to bed early, channel surf. Researchers at Vandebilt University in Nashville found that you'll use up 20% more energy watching television than lying in bed. Find a channel showing an old Seinfeld episode and you will use up even more energy trying to throw the remote through the TV.

Hacked off because you can't sell anymore bodily organs to fill your car with Petrol? Slam your favourite CD into the CD player and turn the volume up to 10 because researchers at the University of Manchester have discovered that loud music activates a primitive acoustic sense in the ear which stimulates the same areas of our brains that makes us think we might be about to get some bedroom gymnastics. Of course it will make you go deaf and annoy the neighbours but you will get that twinkle in your eye. I would avoid James Blunt Cd's though, the only thing twinkling will be your CD player as it bounces off the pavement below.

Trust the findings from the Institute for Preventive Medicine in Copenhagen to help when you watch your car being towed away by the repo department. Danish researchers have found that drinking alcohol reduces the tendency of blockages to form in blood vessels, helps protect against dementia, increase bone mineral density in women and even lowers blood pressure.

Finding it tougher to make the housekeeping stretch with each trip to the Supermarket? Empty your trolley of all those low fat yoghurt's and take a detour down the chocolate aisle because researchers from Holland's National Institute of Public Health and Environment, have found that chocolate contains a chemical that could prevent cancer and heart disease. Boiled potatoes or a heart disease preventing Mars bar, hmmm, tough one.

Tired of trying to understand what the red squiggles on the charts of the Dow Jones or FTSE index means? Reach for the Java because Dr Jonathan Geiger of the University of North Dakota has found that the Caffeine in Coffee lowers the risk of Alzheimer's and strokes.

So if anyone asks, you are not laying on the sofa with a cigarette in the ashtray, coffee in one hand, Bacardi breezer in the other whilst listening to System Of A Down at full volume and stuffing Snickers into your mouth. You are following a Scientifically proven method to deal with the credit crisis.


Cody Bones said...

I'm using Martini's and muscle relaxers. I sleep like a baby, of course I probably won't wake up one of these days

Noah "Nog" M. said...

Instead of following the scientifically proven ways of dealing with a credit crisis (free banking, deregulation, reduced taxes, reduced government spending) we could go to movies and buy popcorn to stimulate the economy.

David G said...

Cody's admission of drug use explains a great deal.

Lucy, I like the bit about alcohol though, especially when it's in the form of red wine. You can buy four litres of good quaffing wine in Australia for 13 bucks.

Of course, not being a capitalist, I don't need to drink heavily though, mind you, I'll drink a toast to the end of capitalism with anyone!

Lucy said...

I drink, smoke, chug down coffee, deafen myself with my MP3 player and have a liking for jaffa cakes.
I knew there was a reason why I hunted out these particular healkth benefits, makes me look the healthiest woman on the planet!

Cody Bones said...

Daniel, I liked you better when you were pretending to be Thelma and Louise. Still not that funny, but I appreciated the effort nevertheless.

I's sure I will kick myself in the morning for asking, but pray tell, what system would you replace capitalism with? Please provide details that I may read and absorb while drinking my immeasurably superior California Cabernet. Thank God I don't have to drink any of that Yellowtail nonsense.


David G said...

Cody, thank God your contributing to Lucy's blog. It's wonderful to see you upholding capitalism and greed and the American way even when it's currently in deep sh!t (though everyone knows we will just buy our way out of it with more borrowed money as we always do).

That's what made our country so fantastic, the stubbornness, the single-mindedness, the ability to cling to a single goal despite its occasional shortcomings.

That cussed DavidG, a few months in Guantanamo would sort him out, eh?, make him see the wonderful light on the hill that is America.

God bless us and you, Cody! I'll pray for you. God is on our side and McCains. We can do no wrong. Well, not much!

Thelma. xxxxxx

Cody Bones said...

Thanks for answering my question in a straight and forthright manner Daniel, I can always count on you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Cody, don't get fussed by that DavidG, honey. He's just not worth it!

It's his problem if he wasn't born in the greatest nation in the history of the world, the good old U.S., may God bless her.

Look, he doesn't understand there's nothing wrong with greed. It brings out the best in humans, gives them motivation to get more than the next person, to reach for the stars. It's the American dream. Sharing and equality is for suckers. It's the law of the jungle, the survival of the fittest, my old Dad told me. That's why our nation is so great.

You understand that and so do I but he, poor misguided soul, doesn't though he means well I'm sure.

You take care, Cody. We pray for you every night. You stand for everything that's good in America.

We're not perfect but we're 99%.

Louise. xxxxxxxx

Cody Bones said...

Daniel, how many strange personalities do you have?

David G said...

Well, Lucy, the rescue package has been passed and soon the money will flow again and the American crooks and spivs will get back to doing what they do best: screwing the American lower classes and people all around the world.

The capitalist economy and market forces will again reign for the exclusive benefit of the few until their gambling excesses again cause a financial meltdown which the taxpayer will have to bailout.

What curious things humans are. Why do we allow this monstrously unfair system to continue? It is no better than when the world was controlled by corrupt Royals and Popes!

Lucy said...

David - I'm just glad that my tax money is going towards things like keeping the Royal Family and not a bunch of crooks and spivs who earn big money for doing nothing at all.
Hang on a sec...