It's Eurovision time again and this year we have had our finest and best musical minds working on it.
Unfortunately they gave up and the organisers asked Andrew Llyod Webber instead and he has squeezed out an okayish type of tune but it doesn't matter anyway because we won't win it no matter how good our song.
International neighbours vote for each other and we can always rely on Ireland to throw us a few pity points but otherwise we are the equivalent of the fat, wheezy kid nobody wants on their team.
The Scandinavians all stick together, as do the Balkan nations and the east Europeans which is nice in a way, a pain for us, but great for cross-border harmony.
I don't know why we are so unpopular with everyone, it's not like we ever did anything to them. Okay, so we spent the last few centuries at war with the vast majority of them and ridicule them at every opportunity but we have changed.
Tony Blair has gone, we haven't got our heads up Americas backside anymore and we haven't started any dodgy wars for almost 6 years now. Can't we just forgive and forget and all be friends? Failing that, can't we just all band together in one moment of International kinship and and make sure France doesn't win the thing?