Thursday 10 November 2022

Special Guest Blogger: Leopold III of Belgium

The secret to most things is timing, and mine was lousy as i was born into a horrifying time in Europe and became King just as a certain single testicled Austrian was blitzkrieging his way across Europe.
Being a Royal you would assume it would be a modern-day fairy tale and indeed it was, Grimm, however it was going well up until i was 13 when the German's invaded Belgium and my Father toyed with the idea of protecting me by sending me safely abroad but instead thought it would be character building to let me play soldier and join the Belgian army until Belgium was crawling with Germans and then he wisely pulled me out and placed me in Eton College in England until the German's were defeated and Belgium became less sausage sucking.
Now back in Belgium my first problem was finding a wife and producing some heirs and i did both with Princess Astrid of Sweden and just in time because 11 months later my father perished when he literally fell down a mountain which meant i was now King of Belgium.
Two years and two children later we decided we wouldn't have any more children due to my driving skills, or rather the lack of them because on a drive through the countryside in Switzerland i didn’t quite manage to make a curve but did manage to find Lake Lucerne and poor Astrid died.
I mourned my beautiful wife right up until Germany reared it's pointy head again in 1939 but while some other European countries formed the Allies, i decided that if the German's tried to take a shortcut through Belgium again we would open a can of Flemish tinged whup ass on them.
Does it feel to you like this is going to have a happy ending? In short no as they did invade and we never opened anything so i surrendered to the Germans which didn't go down well with the Belgian's so i said rather than flee to safety, i would stay and endure whatever the Belgian public endured, well those under house arrest in a Palace anyway.
The Belgium Government fled to France from where they bravely accused me of being a traitor and joining the Germans although a year later when France was under the Nazi jackboot, they asked if they could come back and i gave them a two word answer, the second word being 'Off'.   
During all this i had met and secretly married a family friend called Lilian Baels and it had to be secret because having a lavish wedding during the time of hardship wouldn't have gone down well with the public and also my new wife wasn't a royal either.
As expected, the fan went in overdrive with the brown stuff when it was revealed especially as the public already blamed me for the nation being full of armed German's so it was actually a blessing when the Allies began to threaten the Axis in Belgium and they kidnapped me and moved me to Germany and then Austria until the War ended.
Rather than live a quiet life of chopping wood and gazing solemnly at sunrises i made plans to come back to Belgium but the Government so said i wasn't welcome back so instead we went to Switzerland and i spent the rest of my life travelling the world collecting insect specimens until my heart
gave out.

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