European Championships start at the weekend and with England deciding to not qualify and let some other team have a go, we have nobody to cheer for. We are even denied the fallback position of cheering on anyone playing Scotland, Ireland or Wales because they were also too rubbish to qualify so the nation is frantically searching for a country to adopt for three weeks.
Some friends are going for countries they have good memories of holidaying in but what we all seem to be overlooking is that thanks to several successful invasions, us English have a hotch-potch of DNA in our veins and could easily switch our allegiance to fit our bloodline.
The Romans came, straightened our roads, built a wall to keep out the Scottish ruffians and particularly enjoyed showing their short swords to the ladies. They also had sex with many of them.
The Germanic Saxons then arrived en-masse and dipped their broadswords into the genealogical mix before it was the turn of the Vikings to park their long ships here while they went about their merry way raping, pillaging and assimilating themselves with whomever of our ancestors they hadn't chopped up into firewood.
The French Normans were the last mob to overrun us and left more than the lingering smell of garlic in the bedrooms of 11th century ladies.
So as for the Euro 2008 Championship you can either look up the origin of your surname as an indicator of who you should be supporting for or just cheer on the descendants of our Italian, Swede, German and French forefathers.