Sunday, 3 August 2008

Impressing The West

As the rich and famous flood into China from the Western half of the globe, The city Government of Beijing has been giving its residents advice on how to impress if they should happen to stumble across one of us.
A booklet has been posted to every citizen explaining that we are likely to reel away in horror if they wear more than three colour groups in their clothing, parade around outside in there pyjamas or wear white socks with black shoes.
Because we are shocked when saliva doesn't stay in the mouth, spitting in the street is banned as is disorderly lines when queuing because if there is one thing us Westerners hate, it is a crooked queue.
The book advises that there should be no public displays of affection and there are helpful diagrams to show how to shake hands. The shakee's feet should be slightly apart or in the shape of a V or Y when standing, and a handshake should not last more than three seconds.
Don't ask foreigners their age, marital status, income, past experience, address, personal life, religious beliefs or political beliefs, it adds.
The Chinese Authorities seem to have run out of space before they could get to the bit about how we dislike Authoritarian Governments knocking about Tibetan protesters but otherwise i think that just about sums up the things we dislike. Especially the white socks and black shoes thing, that would top my list ahead of wearing your PJ's outside and keeping a queue in a straight line.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is rather sad...and what about the people who are going around ripping cigarettes out of mouths?!

Anonymous said...

What is wrong with cigarette rippers? Don't we have to stop global warming?

Q

David G said...

It's interesting that a civilization which is thousands of years old is being subjected to heavy criticism by countries whose history is either still in its infancy or has been graced by many periods of barbarity and ignorance.

The pots calling the kettle black methinks!

Anonymous said...

I agree david g. Since China is older than any other civ, nobody should be able to criticize them.

Q

Lucy said...

I am up for bashing any country around the head with a rolled up newspaper regardless of who they are or how long they have been around if i think they deserve it. I will have to have a count up of blog posts one day and see what country i have struck the boot in the most. My guess would be UK, USA & Israel feature in the top 3.

Anonymous said...

Lucy,

You go girl...

Q

David G said...

I'll try to explain it again for you, anony: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

There, you got it now?

Cody Bones said...

Very good advice Daniel. You do know the definition of Irony, right?

David G said...

That a person who comes from the land:
- that elected George Bush twice,
- which regularly engages in torture, invasion and occupation,
- which uses depleted uranium explosives and cluster bombs on civilians,
- which has severe racial, social and economic problems, a country whose right-wing government is methodically taking away its citizen's rights
- which is supporting a fanatical regime in Israel while trying to take over the world, etc,
for such a person to be lecturing people from other countries about the meaning of irony and even criticizing other countries IS INDEED AN IRONY!

Cody, your willful ignorance defies belief.

Cheezy said...

"for such a person to be lecturing people from other countries about the meaning of irony and even criticizing other countries IS INDEED AN IRONY!"

I'm not sure I get your point, Daniel. Thing is, I come from the UK, a country that elected the lying war-monger Tony Blair not twice but three times, and I still reserve the right to comment about the situation in other countries as I see fit.

It's called 'freedom of speech' (which Blair managed to curtail but, thankfully, not eliminate completely).

Are you seriously maintaining that a person needs to consider his country of origin before having the moral right to criticise them? But why?

I take a different view. I think that many aspects of how the PRC is governed absolutely sucks. And I think everyone from the US, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, hell, even Zimbabwe, Israel, the Sudan, North Korea and Iran, should be permitted - even encouraged - to say so.

David G said...

"I'm not sure I get your point, Daniel."

It's obvious that you don't, Cheezy.
Let's leave it at that!

Cody Bones said...

Daniel, if I immigrate to, lets say, Australia, do I then have the moral authority to call you an idiot? First rounds on me, what do ya say?

Anonymous said...

Again, I find I must agree with David G.

In other words David G., you are saying: "Nobody should ever criticize anybody else - unless they are perfect." Right? Did I get it?

Q