Saturday, 4 July 2015

Happy Birthday America

Come with me back 239 years and look, there are a bunch of people hauling down the Union Flag and replacing it with the Stars and Stripes.
With the last of the tea crates sinking to the bottom of Boston Harbour, let's fast forward 239 years to today and see what this new country has spent it's time doing.
I see, it carved some big heads into the side of a mountain and invented Country and Western music.
Admittedly, Mount Rushmore does look cool but the Country music thing should be enough for many UN Resolutions and severe sanctions although the argument could be made that the Moon Landing, Hollywood movies, Guns 'n' Roses and Buffy the Vampire Slayer balance things out, just.
As a consequence of events that cold, December morning in Massachusetts, the Americans never really got the hang of the tea drinking thing and either drink it cold or fire radiation at in the microwave so our Birthday present from Great Britain to you is an electric kettle.
As quite a few of our actors are on your side of the Atlantic anyway, we will also let you keep Ricky Gervais and Benedict Cubmerbatch. Ricky because he has had the same act for the past decade now and Benedict because he has a silly name and everyone calls him Benedict Cucumberpatch now anyway. We will also return Piers Morgan to your shores. Not because he did such a sterling job the last time he was there but because ever since you sent him packing he has been turning up in our TV shows stinking them out. 
Finally, our last Birthday present to you is the return of something we gave you previously, the letter 'u'.
I'm not sure why you all decided five vowels was one vowel too many and decided to spell words wrongly but it really messes with our spellcheckers over here when our students plagiarise content off the internet so there you go, have that elusive 26th member of the alphabet.
Happy Birthday now go make a proper cup of tea and do that charming 'USA, USA' chant that never gets tiresome and shoot some bullets up into the air instead of at each other and have a nice day y'all.

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