Tuesday, 14 August 2018

God Messed Up So Says Whistleblower

When my mobile phone rang i was expecting it to be the Garage to tell me that some bit of my car had failed the MOT and i would need to sell several internal organs and my first born to pay for it but turns out it was a whistleblower from the Universe Building Committee, the team of advisors behind God.

After i turned on the recorder, the voice began explaining how God had cut corners and used shoddy materials while creating the Universe and everything in it. 
'Straight away on Day 1 we had problems' said the informer, 'we told him to take his time and we allocated at least 12 months for such a huge job but he said he wanted to get it all done in a week and the initial idea was to have just the one Sun and one planet for the humans and although we told him that he would need to make the Suns first so he could see what he was doing, he insisted that as the Hydrogen and Helium required wasn't due to be delivered until Day 4, he would just have to crack on'. 
He got a bit of paper and wrote: 'Note To Self: Sun = Day and Moon = Night' and then mashed together some rock of different sizes and said he would decide which one would be Earth later and then said he was calling it a day literally and went off for a lay down.

The second day he chose the Earth from the pile and although we told him again and again that it hadn't set properly and the top bits would crack and not fit together and slide around causing massive quakes, he ignored us and went ahead making the sky and stuck post-it notes on it saying 'Sun Here' and 'Moon Here' then he made the sea and another post-it note saying 'Fish Here' and finally on the bits sticking out of the sea which would quake terribly, he stuck the label 'Humans Here'.

On the third day he set about making the vegetation and fruit trees and he started off making them all wonderful colours but after a boozy lunch, he came back in the afternoon and decided that he was 'fed up piddling about with all those different colours' and just done everything Green before falling asleep in his armchair.  

The elements for the stars arrived early in the morning on the fourth day but straight away he just couldn't get the mix right so we ended up with hundreds of billions of stars of different sizes dotted around the Universe which kept being extended to accommodate them all. In the late afternoon and after almost using up all the Hydrogen, he finally managed to get it right and after a few attempts to
get the Sun to go around the Earth he gave up and mumbling 'nobody will notice', mashed up some more rock so each Star had at least one planet each and scattering the rest around the Universe, went off with the remaining Helium to sit in his office and make crank calls to the other deities in a squeaky voice.

On the fifth Day God was up bright and early as he planned to make all the earth's creatures and he made the sea creatures easy enough but his first few attempts at fowl that may fly above the earth were not a success, coming up with some that had wings but couldn't fly as they were too heavy and by the time he had the dimensions correct the Sun had started to set and the Moon, which was supposed to shine but still wasn't working, had risen so he quickly shoved all the black and white birds that couldn't fly and preferred to swim down the bottom of the Earth where he hoped nobody would see them and with a 'see ya tomorrow' stamped off to bed.

The sixth day he turned up in a terrible mood and began throwing together animals and placing them randomly on the Earth. The cattle and dogs and cats and things were fine but he started to make things with big claws, poisonous fangs or sharp pointy teeth and stingers so we told him to take an early lunch and come back later in a better mood to make the humans. While he was gone we managed to shift a lot of the awful creatures to what would become known as Australia before he came back.
As he left the humans to last he was running short of material so he proposed making one, the man, and then the woman later so he spent all afternoon perfecting the man, a beautiful creature combining together all the best bits of the previous animals as well as being impervious to pain and disease (why he made diseases and viruses heaven only knows), but after going for a coffee, left the man on his chair and without looking, sat on him.
Thinking nobody had noticed, he quickly scraped together some dirt in the vague shape of himself, blew into it's nostrils and shoved him quickly into a garden with some apple trees, stood up, stretched and acclaimed 'Job done'.
When we pointed out we also needed a woman he sighed and asked me to go fetch him a headache tablet and when i came back their was a woman stood next to the man who was ferociously rubbing his side and angrily shaking his fist at God and saying something about a missing rib but God quickly ushered me away towards the door and turned off the light.

When he didn't turn up on the seventh day i called him on the phone but he was adamant that he was happy with his creation as it was and that he would iron out any problems later and had allocating his son, Jesus, to keep an eye on the humans and if their was only problems he would 'pop down to sort them out later' and anyway, he will be around to answer any questions or smite those who need to be
smited' and if the humans got uppity about it he could just wipe them all out with a flood or something.

I put these accusations that his creation was a bit of a mess to God who said he was far too busy at the moment answering prayers, blessing America, saving The Queen, making sure the right athlete won the 100 metres hurdles and don't even get him started on all those Holy Wars that he had to orchestrate so he couldn't answer any questions and i should get my people to speak to his people and go through the proper channels if i wanted to speak to him.

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