Thursday, 2 August 2018

Picking Your Football Team

After a World Cup, the viewing figures for football matches always go up and the Premier League is soon to kick off so newcomers to the world of football have the problem of which team to support.
The Premier League sides breaks down into 3 loose divisions, the Big 6 who will divide up the winners pots come May, the relegation fodder who will spend the season trying to avoid looking at the league table and the teams who float around between them both not doing very much.  
While it is true that every team offers something unique, in reality you don't want to get stuck with a team that will get kicked out of the Premier League never to be seen on TV again so Wolves, Watford, Southampton, Fulham, Cardiff, Brighton, Huddersfield, Bournemouth and Crystal Palace can be left on the shelf unless you are some sort of masochist and enjoy the fans of other teams reminding you of that latest 5-0 hammering your team received.

The mid-division teams include Burnley, Everton, Leicester, Newcastle and West Ham who are in the division purely to beat the relegation fodder while in turn get beaten by the teams at the sharp end of the league which leaves six teams who you can realistically support and not face ridicule week after week so after disregarding the chaff, we are left with the wheat, and the first is Tottenham Hotspur.

Tottenham Hotspur:
League Titles (2), FA Cups (8), League Cups (4), UEFA Cup Winners' Cup (1), UEFA Cup (2)
Famous Fans: Adele, Alan Sugar, Bruce Forsyth, Jessie J, J. K. Rowling, Paul Whitehouse, Salman Rushdie, Stephen Mangan.

The Harry Kane effect will be evident here, drawing many newcomers to Tottenham and if you are the sort of person who never finishes things or loses interest halfway through then Tottenham, or Spurs, should be your team as they are the one team you can rely on to buckle under the pressure and fall spectacularly from grace which is brilliant fun to watch as long as you are not a Spurs fan.
As a Tottenham fan you will have to legally hate Arsenal fans.
If they were a cartoon character they would be Wile E Coyote who does all he can and just when it looks as though he will succeed, invariably ends up in free-fall down the side of a cliff holding a sign that says 'Help'.

League Titles (6), FA Cup (8), League Cup (5), UEFA Cup (1), UEFA Cup Winners' Cup (2)
Famous Fans: Michael Caine, Simon Pegg, Renee Zellwegger, Johhny Vaughan, David Baddiel, Jeremy Clarkson, Damon Albarn, Bryan Adams,  Geri Halliwell, John Major, Gordon Ramsey.

Owned by a Russian multi-billionaire friend of Vladimir Putin, Chelsea are the team to beat but considering they are chock full of the best players Russian rubles can buy such as Eden Hazard, boy can they be boring to watch but they have a new manager so that may change. They can either be brilliant or hopeless which is why people like to watch them.
As a Chelsea fan you will have to legally hate fans of QPR and Fulham.
If they were a cartoon character they would be Mr Burns from the Simpsons, rich and successful but not very well liked.

Manchester United:

League Titles (20), FA Cup (12), League Cup (5), European Cup (3), European Cup Winners' Cup (1), UEFA Europa League (1)
Famous Fans: Usain Bolt, Ulrika Jonsson, Steve Coogan, Olly Murs, Tinchy Stryder, Snoop Dogg, Orlando Bloom, Harry Styles, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, Rihanna.

The choice of the glory hunter, the team for anyone who wants to walk around saying their team are champions of everything and they did right up until they won zip and the country was deafened by the sound of Man Utd replica tops being thrown into the bin.
Managed by a man with an ego so big that the players train by running around it, everyone's second favourite team is whoever is playing Manchester United that day. Were brilliant, then went rubbish but on the way back so probably a good time to be a Manchester United fan because the fans of every other team have already taken their revenge and revelled in their short demise.
As a Man Utd fan you will have to legally hate fans of Man City.
If they were a cartoon character they would be Tom from Tom & Jerry, makes everyone else laugh when it all goes horribly wrong and he ends up looking ridiculous with his head stuck through a fence and a bowl of milk on his head.

Manchester City:
League Titles (5), FA Cup (5), League Cup (5), European Cup Winners' Cup (1)
Famous Fans: Liam Gallagher, Noel Gallagher, Jason Orange, Andrew Flintoff, Ricky Hatton, Alan Carr, Jason Manford, Michelle Keegan, Princess Beatrice of York.

Since one side of Manchester slipped away, the other has stepped up with the help of the Abu Dhabi United Group who have spent well over £1 billion transforming the squad into one that could dominate the Premier League. Man City are the current champions and have some of the most exciting players to watch but despite the billion pound blown on players, have not yet attracted the same amount of vitriol as Man Utd or Chelsea for 'buying' the titles they have won but that will come so this may be the last chance to get in and claim supportership before the inevitable taunt of 'glory hunter' is thrown at anyone with a Manchester City shirt.
As a Man City fan you will have to legally hate fans of Man Utd.
If they were a cartoon character they would be Bart Simpson, been around a while but is just starting to wear out his welcome.

League Titles (18), FA Cup (7), League Cups (8), European Cup (5), UEFA Cup (3)
Famous Fans: Gary Barlow, Dr Dre, Daniel Craig, Samuel L. Jackson, Liam Neeson, Angelina Jolie, Ricky Tomlinson, Elvis Costello, Lana Del Rey, Craig Charles, Ronan Keating, Russell Howard

The team who once lit up Europe but have since spent the last 2 decades saying they are coming back to do it all again but are only now actually looking like ever getting there. Past glories keep older Liverpool fans warm at night but for the newcomer, the recent Liverpool was like being told you are being taken out for a meal and ending up at McDonalds, it's technically still a restaurant but not really
what you were expecting but with Jurgen Klopp at the helm and a large transfer budget, the Liverpool of old could finally be on their way back.
As a Liverpool fan you will have to legally hate fans of Everton.
If they were a cartoon character they would be Mickey Mouse, once ruled over everything but peaked a while ago.

League Titles (13), FA Cup (13), League Cup (2), UEFA Cup Winners' Cup (1),
Famous Fans: Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Harry, Benedict Cumberbatch, Zac Efron, Idris Elba, Keanu Reeves, David Schwimmer, Bradley Walsh, Mick Jagger, John Lydon, Alan Davies, Bradley Wiggins, Lewis Hamilton,  Mo Farah, Jeremy Corbyn

Generally regarded as the thinking mans team and when they are good they are very very good but when they aren't good, oh dear. They have a new manager this season but under Arsene Wenger they played a beautiful game with skill and speed but if you pick Arsenal as your team you will have to learn the basic shout that all Arsenal fans master of 'Stop fannying about with it and shoot the bloody thing' as the 75th pass makes it way across the opponents 18 yard box. All means that for all the beautiful football, they will end up outside of the top 4 yet again but they will look damned good doing it.
As an Arsenal fan you will have to legally hate fans of Tottenham.
If they were a cartoon character they would be Jessica Rabbit, beautiful to look at and involved in the action all the way through but never one of the main players.

There are a couple of teams who may press the top six and could be worth taking a punt on including:

One of the few teams who have broken away from the previous group and look as though they could disrupt the normal order of things but they have been punching above their weight and have the distraction of European football this season so potentially could be firmly dragged back into the former group before they have chance to add to the one FA Cup they won in 1914.
As a Burnley fan you will have to legally hate Blackburn Rovers fans.
If they were a cartoon character they would be Barney Rubble, there as much as everyone else but everyone is watching what the bigger and better Fred is doing.

This club has a very good honours list which includes 9 League Titles, 5 FA Cups and a European Cup Winners' Cup but are probably most famous for being a club from Liverpool but not being Liverpool. A safe team to support because while you won't be walloped by the big fish very often, you won't ever celebrate winning anything either.
As an Everton fan you will have to legally hate fans of Liverpool.
If they were a cartoon character they would be Velma from Scooby Doo, in the midst of the action but nobody would miss her if she wasn't.

So there's your teams but pick carefully because once chosen, you pretty much have to stick with them forever as swapping teams is highly frowned upon in the football world.

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