Welcome To A British Christmas

As Britain becomes a more diverse nation with many other religions coming to our green and pleasant land, i have taken upon myself to welcome you to our country and attempt to answer a few questions which you probably have surrounding a British Christmas such as where did it originate, what's it all about and why is everything covered in tinsel?
Put another log on the fire, close the curtains, snuggle down with a mince pie amidst the glow of the twinkling lights on the tree and i will explain all.
It is not considered officially Christmas until you hear Noddy Holder of Slade scream 'It's Christmas' for the first time and then you can safely start wearing that ugly Christmas Jumper and planning Christmas properly.
Christmas was invented many years ago to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ, a carpenter and handyman, who was given gifts of gold and a couple of other things which nobody knows what they are, further reading can be found in his best selling adventure novel, The Bible or if you have one of the other holy books, read that as most of the same stories are in them also.
The tree standing in every room is representative of the thousands of trees killed during the height of Jesus Christ's Carpentry career and on Christmas Day itself you legally have to put on a Christmas hat and eat something called Brussel Sprouts and Turkey which is a bird that is renowned for hating this time of year and takes approximately thirteen hours to cook.
After the meal another Great British tradition is arguing over who washes up and then falling asleep on the sofa during the Queen's Speech.
As us Brits find the whole idea of religion as stony as a Biblical execution, Santa Claus was invented and is mainly used to coerce children in to going to bed early on December 24th and threatening your young offspring with if they misbehave.
You may notice that every Christmas Card depicts snow on it and every year we play a game of 'will it snow on Christmas Day'? No it won't but we keep up the tradition anyway and if you have a pet, at some point you have to put antlers on them and upload a picture of them to Social Media.
Boxing Day is the day after Christmas and nobody knows exactly what it is for but we use it as a day to exchange the Christmas gifts we got given the day before for something we may actually want.
I wish you all a safe and happy British Christmas.