Tonight, of all nights, is the time when you will want to be doing a bit of demon summoning but the problem seems to be that everyone goes straight for the top guy, Satan himself, and as good as the Lord of Hell is, even he can't be in several places at the same time so you end up frustrated that your summoning spell didn't work and you give up and go sulk in your room listening to death metal music instead.
The thing with demons and creatures from hell in general is that even if you don't get The Devil himself, whoever you summon will still be evil and at the end of the day, that's all you can ask for.
So try aiming lower, Wikipedia has a handy list of demons so you have your list and your summoning equipment and possibly even a virgin tied up in the garage but something else that
needs consideration is that the demon you summon will not do your bidding for nothing, there will be a contract involved.
Contracts can range from a packet of Maryland Cookies to the souls of your first born and you have to remember that the person you are negotiating with is evil, so expect a few dick-moves and read any small print because thinking you have negotiated all the riches you will ever desire for the cost of a cheese sandwich and then finding out you actually signed up to being tortured in a pit of fire for eternity because that can really ruin your weekend.
Finally, one more consideration before lighting the black candles and calling something from hell is the location because Hell and its inhabitants smell of sulphur and sulphur smells of rotten eggs and do you really want something that smelly to be putting in an appearance in your bedroom, you've got to sleep in there later remember, so take it outside or at least into your little sisters room.
Happy summoning.
Thursday, 31 October 2019
Tuesday, 29 October 2019
December UK Election Game On
A December General Election is now almost guaranteed after it passed its final major hurdle and now requires just the date to be fixed with the options being Monday 9th, Tuesday 10th, Wednesday 11th being preferred by the main parties as it would mean the almost immediate closure of Parliament for the required 25 working days before polling and doesn't allow the Conservatives to pull any fast ones with the Brexit bill while the Conservatives prefer Thursday 12th December.
The Liberal Democrats and Scottish National Party are the most keenest for an election as they both stand to gain substantially while for the Conservatives and Labour Parties, it is a huge gamble.
The Conservatives will try to keep the voters eyes on Brexit but they will be shedding voters heavily to the Brexit Party while Labour will try to keep all eyes on the Conservatives record in Government which has been shamefully bad but risk losing traditional voters to the hard and fast remainers of the Lib Dems and the leave at any cost Brexit Party.
What we will have to avoid is making it a referendum on Brexit with the Conservatives backing leave, Labour backing a second referendum and the Lib Dems wanting to remain because that means we are not looking at the Conservatives record in power, the disgraceful decade of austerity and the terrible cuts to services.
I am still undecided to go with my Labour heart or my Liberal Democrat head but unless i have an accident which removes enough of my brain cells before early December, i would never vote for a right wing Conservative Party.
The latest poll of polls shows Conservatives on 36%, 12 points ahead of the Labour Party on 24%, Lib Dems 18%, Brexit Party 11% and Greens 4% but with so much option for parties to nick voters from each other depending on what subject prevails, it could all be up for grabs still.
The Liberal Democrats and Scottish National Party are the most keenest for an election as they both stand to gain substantially while for the Conservatives and Labour Parties, it is a huge gamble.
The Conservatives will try to keep the voters eyes on Brexit but they will be shedding voters heavily to the Brexit Party while Labour will try to keep all eyes on the Conservatives record in Government which has been shamefully bad but risk losing traditional voters to the hard and fast remainers of the Lib Dems and the leave at any cost Brexit Party.
What we will have to avoid is making it a referendum on Brexit with the Conservatives backing leave, Labour backing a second referendum and the Lib Dems wanting to remain because that means we are not looking at the Conservatives record in power, the disgraceful decade of austerity and the terrible cuts to services.
I am still undecided to go with my Labour heart or my Liberal Democrat head but unless i have an accident which removes enough of my brain cells before early December, i would never vote for a right wing Conservative Party.
The latest poll of polls shows Conservatives on 36%, 12 points ahead of the Labour Party on 24%, Lib Dems 18%, Brexit Party 11% and Greens 4% but with so much option for parties to nick voters from each other depending on what subject prevails, it could all be up for grabs still.
A Boring Sunday In April 1954
Newspapers are all reporting the events of the day and therefore rely upon things happening the day before which must have made the papers particularly thin on 12 April 1954 because literally almost nothing happened on 11 April 1954.
A Computer program, True Knowledge, searched through 300 million million facts and figures regarding people, places, business and world events that made the news and found that no significant newsworthy events, births, or deaths are known to have happened on this day.
On that particular Sunday a general election was held in Belgium and an Oldham Athletic footballer called Jack Shufflebotham died but apart from that nothing much happened and has been labelled the most boring day in history.
The irony now though is that the day is interesting for being so exceptionally boring which would have helped the newspaper editors in April 1954 had they known while they scratched around for content to fill their pages with.
A Computer program, True Knowledge, searched through 300 million million facts and figures regarding people, places, business and world events that made the news and found that no significant newsworthy events, births, or deaths are known to have happened on this day.
On that particular Sunday a general election was held in Belgium and an Oldham Athletic footballer called Jack Shufflebotham died but apart from that nothing much happened and has been labelled the most boring day in history.
The irony now though is that the day is interesting for being so exceptionally boring which would have helped the newspaper editors in April 1954 had they known while they scratched around for content to fill their pages with.
Monday, 28 October 2019
Be Thankful For The 8% Peacetime
I fell across an alarming fact today which i dismissed at first as so obviously wrong it must have come from Fox News or the mouth of Boris Johnson but a search on Google showed it was amazingly true that since it was founded in 1776, America has been at war 222 of it's 243 years with just 21 years when they were only preparing to do it rather than actually doing it.
The longest time America has gone without a war was five years between 1935 and 1940 which helps bring the percentage down to only being at war just under 92% of the time.
With a description of a major war being one that has killed at least 1,000 people, the 18th Century saw 2 years of no American wars, 8 years in the 19th Century and 10 years in the 20th Century so they are getting better although of the present 19 years of the 21st Century, they have been at war for 18 of them, taking a break from warring in the year 2000 but more than making up for it ever since.
I am sure that Israel could challenge the USA as the globes most war-mongering nation and England has an awful record over our 1092 history including a war with the French for 116 years which we called the hundred years war because that doesn't sound quite so bad.
If the yanks are the most war-whoring then the award for least war mongering goes to Andorra who has not ever been at war with anyone since its founding in 988.
With Donald Trump in charge, we can expect America to declare war on Andorra any day.
The longest time America has gone without a war was five years between 1935 and 1940 which helps bring the percentage down to only being at war just under 92% of the time.
With a description of a major war being one that has killed at least 1,000 people, the 18th Century saw 2 years of no American wars, 8 years in the 19th Century and 10 years in the 20th Century so they are getting better although of the present 19 years of the 21st Century, they have been at war for 18 of them, taking a break from warring in the year 2000 but more than making up for it ever since.
I am sure that Israel could challenge the USA as the globes most war-mongering nation and England has an awful record over our 1092 history including a war with the French for 116 years which we called the hundred years war because that doesn't sound quite so bad.
If the yanks are the most war-whoring then the award for least war mongering goes to Andorra who has not ever been at war with anyone since its founding in 988.
With Donald Trump in charge, we can expect America to declare war on Andorra any day.
Militant Vegans
I have been a proper vegetarian since i was 16 which means i don't eat meat but i still have dairy but there is a newer, more militant type of non-meater which is veganism which forego all dairy products as well as meat.
Good luck to them i say although as i have had to take extra vitamins for my life to make up for the vitamins lacking in my diet, heaven only knows what these guys have to take which is why i asked the group in the town center this weekend who were handing out leaflets and holding a sign which said 'Ask me about veganism', which i did.
For some reason they didn't want to answer that, they did though want to explain to me all about animal cruelty, climate change, how meat eating causes health problems and how man has destroyed the planet which i said was them preaching to the converted which is why i had been a vegetarian for the past 30 odd years although that never seemed to stop their pre-rehearsed patter.
I love their enthusiasm and the fact that they are prepared to go further than i am for their cause but vegans have the same problem as the religionists who were handing out leaflets and badgering people a few meters away.
Not everyone appreciates having somebody else's outlook shoved down their throat and trying to change their views, it just get's their backs up and forces them to dig their heels in so whether it's someone trying to tell you why you should not eat meat or somebody telling you why you should pray, that doesn't work.
The vegans can hand out all the leaflets they like but they won't be converting anybody all the time they are trying to force it onto people, give them the facts but let them decide for themselves because switching to a non-meat or dairy diet is a massive step.
My advice would be to go flexitarian and then move up the scale to vegetarianism and then veganism if you can handle it but make sure you get a loyalty card from Holland and Barrett because the vegans and vegetarians may not tell you but you will need them extra vitamins.
Good luck to them i say although as i have had to take extra vitamins for my life to make up for the vitamins lacking in my diet, heaven only knows what these guys have to take which is why i asked the group in the town center this weekend who were handing out leaflets and holding a sign which said 'Ask me about veganism', which i did.
For some reason they didn't want to answer that, they did though want to explain to me all about animal cruelty, climate change, how meat eating causes health problems and how man has destroyed the planet which i said was them preaching to the converted which is why i had been a vegetarian for the past 30 odd years although that never seemed to stop their pre-rehearsed patter.
I love their enthusiasm and the fact that they are prepared to go further than i am for their cause but vegans have the same problem as the religionists who were handing out leaflets and badgering people a few meters away.
Not everyone appreciates having somebody else's outlook shoved down their throat and trying to change their views, it just get's their backs up and forces them to dig their heels in so whether it's someone trying to tell you why you should not eat meat or somebody telling you why you should pray, that doesn't work.
The vegans can hand out all the leaflets they like but they won't be converting anybody all the time they are trying to force it onto people, give them the facts but let them decide for themselves because switching to a non-meat or dairy diet is a massive step.
My advice would be to go flexitarian and then move up the scale to vegetarianism and then veganism if you can handle it but make sure you get a loyalty card from Holland and Barrett because the vegans and vegetarians may not tell you but you will need them extra vitamins.
Saturday, 26 October 2019
England In The Rugby Final
My Canadian colleague text me this morning to say that after England knocked New Zealand out of the Rugby World Cup, the English will be insufferable which isn't very fair, us English don't need a sporting victory to be intolerable.
So in the time honoured tradition of whenever England beat another nation at sport, Sir Edmund Hillary, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, Lorde, Russell Crowe, Lucy Lawless, Crowded House..erm Moana, your boys took one hell of a beating!!
To be fair to New Zealand, i have no idea what was going on but our men with funny shaped balls beat your men with funny shaped balls and it is IN-GER-LAND who progress to the final of the World Cup to meet either the Welsh or the South Africans, hopefully the Welsh.
What is a bit painful is that i had drawn New Zealand in the office sweepstake and for once thought i had a decent chance of running through the Town Centre spending £40 in a whirlwind of shopping but that dream was squashed almost immediately after England scored a try after just 90 seconds.
Still, come on your Welsh, smash the Boks and let's make a small part of Japan British next weekend and show the World just how insufferable we can really be.
So in the time honoured tradition of whenever England beat another nation at sport, Sir Edmund Hillary, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, Lorde, Russell Crowe, Lucy Lawless, Crowded House..erm Moana, your boys took one hell of a beating!!
To be fair to New Zealand, i have no idea what was going on but our men with funny shaped balls beat your men with funny shaped balls and it is IN-GER-LAND who progress to the final of the World Cup to meet either the Welsh or the South Africans, hopefully the Welsh.
What is a bit painful is that i had drawn New Zealand in the office sweepstake and for once thought i had a decent chance of running through the Town Centre spending £40 in a whirlwind of shopping but that dream was squashed almost immediately after England scored a try after just 90 seconds.
Still, come on your Welsh, smash the Boks and let's make a small part of Japan British next weekend and show the World just how insufferable we can really be.
Friday, 25 October 2019
Ruling The World In 2050
PriceWaterhouseCooper (PWC) are one of the big four financial auditors and they have been looking into their crystal ball to see who will be the economies that matter in the year 2050.
ALl the usual suspects are there but the G20 summits may have to swap around some of the little nation flags they put out at the lunch tables because according tp PWC, there are going to be some changes over the next 30 years.
Of the current G20, they can keep most of the flags but being ripped up and turned into dusters are the flags of Australia, Spain, Canada and Italy and in their place being hoisted up the flagpole are the bits of cloth showing the colours of Egypt, Philippines, Nigeria and Pakistan.
Gaining an invite to a G20 summit means you are one of the biggest and best in the World but when you get an invite for the G7, then you know you have really made it and as one of the most advanced economies, you get to make the economic decisions that effect the rest of the World and currently the Group of Seven consisting of Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, the United Kingdom, and the United States but some of the leaders better make the most of the Foie Gras on offer as not all of those nations will still be tasting goose liver in 2050.
Of the current G7 countries, Russia (if still not banned) will be there as will the USA and China but France will be replaced by Mexico, Germany booted out for Brazil, Canada hooked in favour of Indonesia and Italian meatballs will be off the menu and Indian Curry put on it.
The auditors include a disclaimer that this is based on current projections and things could change between now and 2050 but they have the UK economy slipping down to 10th and China being the largest with the USA 3rd and India 2nd with the biggest movers upwards being Pakistan and Nigeria and biggest drop coming with the Japanese and South Korean economies.
ALl the usual suspects are there but the G20 summits may have to swap around some of the little nation flags they put out at the lunch tables because according tp PWC, there are going to be some changes over the next 30 years.
Of the current G20, they can keep most of the flags but being ripped up and turned into dusters are the flags of Australia, Spain, Canada and Italy and in their place being hoisted up the flagpole are the bits of cloth showing the colours of Egypt, Philippines, Nigeria and Pakistan.
Gaining an invite to a G20 summit means you are one of the biggest and best in the World but when you get an invite for the G7, then you know you have really made it and as one of the most advanced economies, you get to make the economic decisions that effect the rest of the World and currently the Group of Seven consisting of Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, the United Kingdom, and the United States but some of the leaders better make the most of the Foie Gras on offer as not all of those nations will still be tasting goose liver in 2050.
Of the current G7 countries, Russia (if still not banned) will be there as will the USA and China but France will be replaced by Mexico, Germany booted out for Brazil, Canada hooked in favour of Indonesia and Italian meatballs will be off the menu and Indian Curry put on it.
The auditors include a disclaimer that this is based on current projections and things could change between now and 2050 but they have the UK economy slipping down to 10th and China being the largest with the USA 3rd and India 2nd with the biggest movers upwards being Pakistan and Nigeria and biggest drop coming with the Japanese and South Korean economies.
Trust Boris To 'Get Things Done ®'
If there is one thing the UK needs it's a chance to turn up at a voting booth on a cold, dark rainy day in mid-winter and luckily that is exactly what we are being offered as Boris Johnson is demanding a December 12th election so he can 'Get Brexit Done ®' because apparently we are all fed up with not shrinking our economy by as much as £49bn a year.
Johnson is so keen on an election because he thinks that not only can he win it, but win it by enough of a majority to push through the Brexit deal which he has negotiated.
That it is essentially the same deal that Theresa May negotiated, the deal that fellow Brexit die hard Jacob Rees-Mogg said would make us a 'vassal state, like Britain under the Roman occupation' and other Boris Brexit chums said was like 'literally selling all of us off to an Albanian trafficking gang' should not be a concern.
Boris, unlike most politicians, will 'Get Things Done ®' because he is not held up by the codes of morals or ethics like most politicians, such as that which says if you print something as a fact in huge letters on the side of a bus, it ought to be correct.
Nor is he concerned with sneakily arranging for contracts worth tens of thousands be awarded to his friends, he just hands taxpayers money to people with no particular business receiving it showing that for too long we’ve put up with politicians trying desperately to cover up their lies, and at last we’ve got one who lies openly but doesn’t even bother trying to cover it up.
That letter he sent applying for an extension that he said he would he would never sign and would rather 'die in a ditch' than send, well put away the ditch digging shovel because that's in Michel Barnier's top pocket now and that flat out refusal to sign up to a border in the Irish Sea, he has now negotiated a border in the Irish Sea.
Voting for Boris will 'Get Things Done ®' although some things may have to take a backseat such as making the wealthiest pay to look after the poorest, not selling arms to nations using them to kill civilians in a neighbouring country or taking the trouble not to flood us all, Brexit and making sure that 'Getting It Done ®' is the most pressing matter.
Some people may object and you may wish to listen to analysts, economists and business with years of experience to fall back on who say Brexit will be a disaster but who says they know more than the guy who sales insurance for a living who calls anyone who worries about the effect on the NHS or the poor a Communist and a traitor whose grandad fought in a world war to keep England free from the lying Europeans.
In all, Boris has a deal and it could have 'Got Things Done ®' on 31 October if Corbyn and his gang of left wing fascists hadn't scuppered things by wanting time to read the details in it because they don't trust Boris Johnson, and if you can’t trust our Prime Minister and his Brexit gang, frankly who can you trust?
Johnson is so keen on an election because he thinks that not only can he win it, but win it by enough of a majority to push through the Brexit deal which he has negotiated.
That it is essentially the same deal that Theresa May negotiated, the deal that fellow Brexit die hard Jacob Rees-Mogg said would make us a 'vassal state, like Britain under the Roman occupation' and other Boris Brexit chums said was like 'literally selling all of us off to an Albanian trafficking gang' should not be a concern.
Boris, unlike most politicians, will 'Get Things Done ®' because he is not held up by the codes of morals or ethics like most politicians, such as that which says if you print something as a fact in huge letters on the side of a bus, it ought to be correct.
Nor is he concerned with sneakily arranging for contracts worth tens of thousands be awarded to his friends, he just hands taxpayers money to people with no particular business receiving it showing that for too long we’ve put up with politicians trying desperately to cover up their lies, and at last we’ve got one who lies openly but doesn’t even bother trying to cover it up.
That letter he sent applying for an extension that he said he would he would never sign and would rather 'die in a ditch' than send, well put away the ditch digging shovel because that's in Michel Barnier's top pocket now and that flat out refusal to sign up to a border in the Irish Sea, he has now negotiated a border in the Irish Sea.
Voting for Boris will 'Get Things Done ®' although some things may have to take a backseat such as making the wealthiest pay to look after the poorest, not selling arms to nations using them to kill civilians in a neighbouring country or taking the trouble not to flood us all, Brexit and making sure that 'Getting It Done ®' is the most pressing matter.
Some people may object and you may wish to listen to analysts, economists and business with years of experience to fall back on who say Brexit will be a disaster but who says they know more than the guy who sales insurance for a living who calls anyone who worries about the effect on the NHS or the poor a Communist and a traitor whose grandad fought in a world war to keep England free from the lying Europeans.
In all, Boris has a deal and it could have 'Got Things Done ®' on 31 October if Corbyn and his gang of left wing fascists hadn't scuppered things by wanting time to read the details in it because they don't trust Boris Johnson, and if you can’t trust our Prime Minister and his Brexit gang, frankly who can you trust?
Thursday, 24 October 2019
Best And Worst Jobs
At some point we have all considered packing in our jobs and trying our luck elsewhere but there are some career choices which seem to consider it more than others with a study pinpointing the ten most miserable, and ten most satisfying, employments.
Most miserable is the lot of a Roofer then Waiters, Labourers, Bartenders, Packagers, Stock Handlers, Clothes Sales People, Cashiers, Food preparers and Suppliers.
I can understand the misery of most of them, i would not be able to put up with moaning eaters in a restaurant and how much fun can it be serving drinks to people on a night out when you have to stay sober enough to diddle them out of their correct change.
If you have spent the day on the roof or listening to somebody moan that their soup wasn't of the required temperature, then you could always have a bash at one of the jobs which come top in the satisfaction tables.
You try your hand at joining the Clergy, become a Physical Therapist, Firefighter, Education Administrator, Painter/Artist, Teacher, Author, Psychologists, Special Education Teacher or Operating Engineer.
Until the vacancy as Ben & Jerry's taste tester comes up, i think i will stay where i am.
Most miserable is the lot of a Roofer then Waiters, Labourers, Bartenders, Packagers, Stock Handlers, Clothes Sales People, Cashiers, Food preparers and Suppliers.
I can understand the misery of most of them, i would not be able to put up with moaning eaters in a restaurant and how much fun can it be serving drinks to people on a night out when you have to stay sober enough to diddle them out of their correct change.
If you have spent the day on the roof or listening to somebody moan that their soup wasn't of the required temperature, then you could always have a bash at one of the jobs which come top in the satisfaction tables.
You try your hand at joining the Clergy, become a Physical Therapist, Firefighter, Education Administrator, Painter/Artist, Teacher, Author, Psychologists, Special Education Teacher or Operating Engineer.
Until the vacancy as Ben & Jerry's taste tester comes up, i think i will stay where i am.
Cheering The Demise Of QuickQuid
Too much month and not enough pay is a common refrain and you always had the option of taking a payday loan and paying the extortionate interest rates the lenders offered although the rates flash across the bottom of the screen so and in such a small font that unless you spent some of that loan on a decent pair of spectacles you would miss it.
The good news is that Britain's biggest-remaining payday lender, QuickQuick is on the verge of collapse and could be placed into administration within days.
The move comes a year after Wonga, the previous biggest lender, skipped into insolvency after new affordability checks made it harder for them to target its main demographic, the people who could barely afford the repayments and therefore racked up huge bills.
Taking a loan from QuickQuid came with an eye watering 2278% APR and a £10-£14 admin fee per every £50 borrowed and as the QuickQuid's website refers to 'over 1.4 million customers', that's a decent chunk of money taken from some of the poorest in British society.
The cracks in the payday lending sector began following the introduction of tougher affordability checks and a cap on the cost of short-term credit for consumers.
While loan companies like QuickQuid made it amazingly easy to get the money, when they were made to stop exploiting the low paid and jobless, the profits began to dry up which showed who their business was aimed at all along so we should celebrate the demise of another yet deceitful, shameless business.
The good news is that Britain's biggest-remaining payday lender, QuickQuick is on the verge of collapse and could be placed into administration within days.
The move comes a year after Wonga, the previous biggest lender, skipped into insolvency after new affordability checks made it harder for them to target its main demographic, the people who could barely afford the repayments and therefore racked up huge bills.
Taking a loan from QuickQuid came with an eye watering 2278% APR and a £10-£14 admin fee per every £50 borrowed and as the QuickQuid's website refers to 'over 1.4 million customers', that's a decent chunk of money taken from some of the poorest in British society.
The cracks in the payday lending sector began following the introduction of tougher affordability checks and a cap on the cost of short-term credit for consumers.
While loan companies like QuickQuid made it amazingly easy to get the money, when they were made to stop exploiting the low paid and jobless, the profits began to dry up which showed who their business was aimed at all along so we should celebrate the demise of another yet deceitful, shameless business.
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