Special Guest Blogger: Alabaster Snowball

Hi, i'm the elf who runs the naughty and nice list and i have been doing this crap for hundreds of years and then last year it hit me, hit me hard like a massive bit of holly flying from a high building or a reindeer running over your foot, what's the point?
The nice list has been dwindling for years, Buzzlewitz shows me the 'I had been a good boy/girl this year' letters you send to Santa and you must think we are stupid? We see what you get up to all year and if i had my way you would all get coal in your stockings but the increases in fuel prices have made that a major expense that we just can't afford any longer.
As i also do the administration i can see what this operation costs, back in the day the toys kids asked for would be wooden trains or doll houses and hey, no problem, we have trees up the ying-yang here but these days you ask for iphones and laptops. Firstly how is a phone a freaking toy and secondly, have you any idea of the expense involved in the licensing agreements? No, and you don't care either do you as long as you get to play CandyCrush for seven hours a day.
The final straw was the equal employment commission hitting me with a discrimination case for only hiring white, boy elf's. Well whatever, that is now very far down on my list of give-a-tosses. I'm through spending the year cooking the books to try and keep as many of you on the nice list when you don’t deserve it.
Christmas is so stupid. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross so whinge all you like about Christmas being all about family or charity or kindness or the birth of God's one and only son. Whether any of those is true or not, it's sure going to suck when you don't get any presents and I DON'T CARE or else, i wouldn't except i have seen what you lot get up to in the world and i get three square meals of Sugarplums and candy canes here so maybe i will not go just yet, but i will go one year for sure.