At the closing ceremony of the Olympics, during which England officially receives the Olympic flag and the mantle of the Olympic city, we will get a 10 minute slot to impress the watching billions that we are worthy.
So how to fill those 10 mins with so much Englishness that it will have the audience chomping at the bit for athletes running, jumping and throwing things under a rain leaden London Sky in 2012?
I have not been invited to participate in the selection process but if i had been i would be scouring the cities and towns for English peeps that have worldwide appeal. We want a family sitting on their sofa in Chile to be saying, "You know what Diego, England really is a cultural hotspot" and not "Who the bloody hell's James Blunt, and why has he not been put in the tower for crimes against humanity?"
David Beckham is a given although what he can do is a question. Maybe we can pencil him in for some serious standing there looking like David Beckham. Leona Lewis can sing something, maybe if we give her the full 9.48 minute version of Bat out of Hell it only leaves us 12 secs to fill although i think we can find something a bit more appropriate nearer the time.
Daniel Craig of James Bond fame can be lowered by helicopter into the stadium. Getting him to kick a few freeloading dignitaries in the face would be a nice touch and very popular.
It is unlikely we could drag the Queen into anything but we have to include some Shakespeare somehow and red telephone boxes, men in bowler hats, hackney cabs and London Buses complete with grumpy conductors moaning because you don't have the exact change.
I would like to see something that symbolises England so how about we save the expense and just have an old lady pushing out a tea trolley to the centre of the stadium while moaning about how the weather is playing havoc with her bunions. A cup of tea and moaning, you can't get much more English than that.