Friday, 4 July 2008

Hello America, Can I Interest You In...

It is hard to ignore America. That great wedge of land beneath Canada and above Mexico has spread its tentacles all around the globe and no more than to Britain where we have a history of borrowing some aspects of the American lifestyle. Cody of the It Is What It Is blog and i have put our heads together to thrash out the things we would take from each others countries and what we feel we could offer in exchange.

The first thing i would ask for is the US National Anthem. Great tune which soars to a passionate crescendo of pride filled gusto. Ours is so bland and tuneless even a rockets red flare up the backside wouldn't be enough to breath life into it. For this we would give you changeable weather. Yes we are obsessed with it here but that's because it is so unpredictable that we literally can have 3 days of weather in 1. It is what ex-pats miss the most apparently because the weather in most of America is so reliably unchanging.

Next on the table is your sportsmen. I don't know if you have noticed but our sporting fraternity is a bit rubbish. We have terrible tennis players, awful athletes, god awful golfers and shite swimmers. We will take any on offer, we are not proud as this summers Olympic medal haul will prove.
Your sportsmen in exchange for the British Communications Regulator (OFCOM) who ensure that the television news channels keep to a Broadcasting code of accuracy, impartiality and fairness in television and radio programmes. I have seen Fox news. You need OFCOM.

Something we need that you have is exciting politics and politicians. Watch our House of Commons, most of them are either asleep or have lost the will to even pretend they are not bored to death. No Obama-esque orations or Clinton style passion. Heck, i would even settle for some Hillary type pointing and manic grinning over Gordon Brown and his strangely eerie smile.
For this we offer you the letter U. The amount of times i have been accused of having the spelling skills of a monkey by you Americans. It's our language, we had it first so would it kill you to stick some U's into words? We would throw in an -ise to sweeten the deal so you can get shot of that -ize.

With the exception of a few bands you could count on two fingers, British music is in a bad way. You have more decent bands than you could shake a Amy Winehouse spliff at so throw a few of them this way and we give you the ability to not applaud every ten seconds. It drives me crazy trying to listen to someone over there and the speaker is constantly interrupted by applause and whooping.

Judges that hand out creative sentences like the man who called a police officer a pig and was ordered to stand on a street corner next to a pig with a sign saying the pig was not a police officer. You can have our game of football, or soccer as you insist on calling it. American football just looks like a load of men who jump on each other and then get substituted by another group of men who do the same thing over and over again. Seriously lacks the poetry and skill of a good old fashioned soccer match.

Finally, David Boreanaz, George Clooney, Brad Pitt. We have no good looking male actors. We have Hugh Grant and Bob Hoskins. Not very fair but i think you will be more than pleased to accept a selection of British swearwords for the trio. I know you don't have 'T*s**r' and its stronger cousin 'W*a*k*r' but how about ar*e, bo**ocks, bugg*r, sod and git? Tempted?

That's that then, mull it over and let me know what you are interested in.

Cody has his own ideas on what we need from you and what you need from us here.

9 comments:

Noah "Nog" M. said...

"Something we need that you have is exciting politics and politicians. Watch our House of Commons, most of them are either asleep or have lost the will to even pretend they are not bored to death. No Obama-esque orations or Clinton style passion. Heck, i would even settle for some Hillary type pointing and manic grinning over Gordon Brown and his strangely eerie smile."


I don't know if you've ever had the misfortune of watching C-SPAN. I'll reckon y'all've got a legislature with a thousn' times the fire n' brimstone of our congress.

Cody Bones said...

Don't forget Lucy, Ronald Reagan was pretty good at turning a phrase.

Anonymous said...

Lucy,

I think that whatever David G. thinks about this is beyond question... don't you agree?

Q

Anonymous said...

Lucy,

Concerning the weather... I have no experience with the weather in your locale, but I can say that we have some serious extremes in Fall, Winter, and Spring.

Some Central Texas Examples:
> For Feb. the record low temperature in my home town is 4F and the record high temperature is 100F. I've seen the temperature change as much as 50 degrees in 4 hours.

> Just 4 years ago in my home town we had 20 inches of rain in 18 hours.

> When I was 10 years old I once saw three tornadoes as the same time.

> I was just in Tucson last week and the temperature went from approximately 80F at sunrise to 112F (in the shade). Then a monsoon formed, rained, and the temperature dropped down to a chilly 86F.

> When I go ice fishing in Colorado in Jan/Feb it is not unusual for the temp to start at -30F at sunrise and then warm to +15F in just 2 or 3 hours.

> We were in Utah a few years ago and the high temp was in the mid-80's our next to last day of the trip. The next day (last day of our trip) it snowed...

Go figure,

Q

Anonymous said...

Lucy,

> You can have all of our actors and actresses, but you have to keep all of yours in exchange ;-)

> Football and Soccer have one thing in common. You have to play each of them to understand and appreciate them. I thought soccer sucked bad until I started playing.

> I like the continuous motion of soccer and that players switch instantaneously between offense and defense. I also like the importance of angles in soccer. I don't like the fake injury every time a player loses possesion of the ball. I'd yellow card players for faking all the damn time. The downside of soccer is that there isn't much strategy except in regards to playing offsides.

> Football doesn't have the grace, but has much more strategy. Also, if you know what to look for the action along the offensive line and what the linebackers do is actually fairly complex. Lastly, like soccer angles are vital, but you have to know what to look for...

> I like the U.S. anthem as well.

> Councerning language. Yes, you invented it (or at least part of it, you also toouk soume from German, French, Latin, etc.) and when we were escaping from your Kings we brought it with us, but... while the Japanese didn't invent much of anything counsidered moudern these days, their quality is supreme... so maybe you are ouveremphasizing inventourship.

Q

PS - I added some "u"s just for Y O U...

Anonymous said...

I love all your swear words, and you can have several of our actors in exchange...but NOT David Boreanaz :D

effay said...

Is there some sort of secret conversation going on between Q and David G?

wombat said...

no good looking actors? you have hugh PLUS colin firth, orlando bloom, ralph fiennes, naveen andrews, gerard butler, richard armitage, jason statham, jonny lee miller, alan rickman, matthew macfadyen..... i'd discuss a brad pitt trade but i have to go take a cold shower!

effay said...

Thought you might like this Lucy:

http://www.marginalrevolution.com/marginalrevolution/2008/07/sentences-to-po.html

Sounds like soon Americans won't be the only ones not speaking proper English.