Wednesday 25 March 2020

Special Guest Blogger: King Canute

Not many people know that i gave the first royal press releases, issuing proclamations to keep my subjects in the royal loop, although i left out the fact that i was a massive bigamist.
I was King of England, Denmark, Norway and parts of Sweden but i was far from a ruthless leader, i would give my prisoners who i caught in battle the option of being released with the issue of the horrible habit of picking their noses solved, they left minus their noses and hands.
While i ruled England, it was part of my Viking empire and the people loved me, even referring to me as a God which as a deeply religious man didn't sit well with me so to disprove them i set out a throne at Southampton beach and attempted to turn back the tide, ordering it to not wet my feet to prove that i was not as powerful as God who ruled the tides, of course the royal sandals got wet but from then on i was called Canute The Great rather than Canute The God.
One of the previous King's wife's obviously thought i was Great also because she married me and even cheered me on while i defeated her nephew to take the English throne. The Royal blood was obviously not as thick as water or the handle which held my massive axe. 
My family do have one further claim to fame with modern Bluetooth technology being named after my grandfather, Harald Bluetooth, who filed his teeth and carved grooves in them, which he then coloured with blue dye.
He must be thankful that he didn't go with his first idea because sending things to each other by connecting their Greenknobs together is not the same thing at all.

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