Thursday 19 March 2020

Special Guest Blogger: Thomas Edison

I am described as one of the world's most prolific inventors with a record-breaking 1,093 patents to my name although the phrase 'to my name' is stretching it a bit.
I am still celebrated around the World for inventing the light bulb, the motion picture, electricity and a ton of other important crap that truth told, i had very little to do with.
The light bulb for instance, plenty of people messed around with the idea of the light bulb, guys you'll never read about in a school history text book, but Heinrich Goebel actually invented it, back in 1854, and tried selling it to me but i played it cool and told him that i saw no practical use for it and sent him away.
Shortly thereafter, Goebel died and even more shortly after that, i bought Goebel's patent off of his impoverished widow at a cost much lower than what it was actually worth.
Apart from stealing other people's inventions, i hired thugs to physically intimidate the competition, Nikola Tesla for one, who had a competing electrical system called Alternating Current so i heroically electrocuted an elephant to discredit him and prove his version was dangerous.
Naturally, the next step was dabbling in the paranormal and during the early days of the 20th century, contacting the spirit world was all the rage and any jackass could make bundles of cash holding seances to separate grieving families hoping to talk to a deceased loved one from their money and if there was one thing i was, it was a money grabbing jackass.
I triumphantly exclaimed that all human beings must be made of 'immortal units' which cannot be destroyed, thus explaining the existence of ghosts which could be chatted with and set about creating a device which i called the spirit phone to record the voices and presence of the dead.
Since i died though the only people who have called where to ask me if i had an accident at work which wasn't my fault and some angry sounding German guy asking me about light bulbs but otherwise nobody.

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