Special Guest Blogger: Queen Mary

My dad, Henry VIII, famously stuck two fingers up to the Catholic Church and founded the Church of England so he could divorce my mum Catherine of Aragon, but after my half-brother Edward died, the rules of succession declared me the first English monarch in history to possess a vagina and pair of breasts (my dad's moobs don't count).
Being the ruler with fallopian tubes didn't work out so well for me though as i was a Catholic and with a Catholic back on the throne, the Protestants organised a coup against me which i quashed by burning many of them at the stake, earning me the nickname 'Bloody Mary' although there wasn't much blood but there was a stench of BBQ-ing human hanging around the courtyard for weeks afterwards.
I spent five years on the throne and in that time i burned 300 Protestants who were concerned that i would return England to Catholicism, which i did of course, but remained confusingly the Supreme Head of the English Church.
I married Philip who was a cold-hearted man, on my death from Ovarian Cysts he wrote 'I felt a reasonable regret for her death', but not enough reasonable regret to stop him trying it on with my half-sister Elizabeth who told him to go do one, clever girl.
There's no denying that an awful lot of Protestants were killed during my reign, but i was really no worse than my successor, Queen Elizabeth, who executed just as many Catholics as i had Protestants but everybody was okay with that.
Probably the legacy of my life would be a cocktail containing vodka, tomato juice and Worcestershire sauce but what with the lack of blood at my executions, Crispy Fried Mary would be more appropriate.