Things were actually quite sweet at the start, i had the whole garden to myself which was very pleasant and quiet and God told me to just knock about enjoying myself but then i went to bed one night and woke up with a sore side and a strange long-haired creature with a different shape looking at me.
I asked her how the hell she got here and then how come she got extra bits up there but a bit missing down there and it seems that during the night God sneaked down like a thief and steals one of my ribs and from this stolen bone, which i'm sure i needed by the way, he makes a woman as my companion.
I told her this was the Garden of Eden and if she just kept quiet and still for a couple minutes at a time, we would get on fine but she looked around and said with all the trees and rocks and things it should be called the Park of Eden, not a Garden.
God came to tell us both that we can do what we want but he'll only tell us this once, don't eat the fruit from that tree, that tree there beside the rhododendron bush, the last one before the gate, yes that one right there, the tree of knowledge.
That was mistake number one, why call it that? Obvious we were bound to be curious. Call it the tree of deadly curses or the tree of stupidity but the tree of knowing things and then don't point it out which tree it actually is, that's just asking for trouble.
So Eve goes for a wonder and bumps into this snake and not just any old snake but a talking snake and he tells her if she eats an apple from that special tree she would know the difference between good and evil so that's mistake number two right there.
If you have the divine ability to make anything, why would you make a talking snake and why make it talk in English, if it had spoken to Eve in Swahili or even Chinese then we wouldn't have had a problem but God in his infinite wisdom gave it the ability to speak our language perfectly and it says have one of the apples and she says she shouldn't really as we were told not to but snakes are very persuasive and she ate one.
Right afterwards God comes thundering down, his face all red and angry and says right, i told you not to do that so you now know the difference between good and evil and because of that man must toil the field, women's punishment is that childbirth will be really, really be painful but the snake, the one who effed up everything in the first place remember, they must crawl on their bellies all it’s days. Their snake’s, crawling on their bellies are what they do so not really much of a punishment for snakes.
The upshot was that it is our fault that there is suffering in the world, God is not to blame so remember men, when you are breaking your back in the field or you women are screaming in agony from childbirth pains, that God loves you. Focus on that and not the icky business of the many, many generations of incest that followed Eve and i. Eeewww.
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