Special Guest Blogger: Mary Magdalene

I may be only the second-most famous Mary in the Bible but i wasn't Jesus' only female disciple, there was also Joanna, the wife of Chuza and somebody named Susanna, so for a man with facial hair and sandals, Jesus was actually pretty popular with the ladies.
Obviously all of us women were overshadowed by the men but i seem to have morphed into a prostitute whom Jesus forgave, and i proceeded to follow him around, washing his feet and redeeming myself from a life of sinful whoring.
I was always Christ's favorite but the myths surrounding my life came about when people started confusing me with other people, on account of the fact that there are just too many damn women in the Bible named Mary, me, his mum, Mary of Bethany who cooked Jesus dinner because it seemed the polite thing to do after he resurrected her brother, and a woman who lived a sinful life who may or may not also have been named Mary, and whom Jesus forgives to the confusion of his apostles who are aghast that he let her filthy mitts touch him, dumping perfume on his feet and wiping it off with their hair, which was a thing people did back then.
The medieval Catholic Church, deciding that there were just way too many Mary's in the Bible and that people were likely to get confused by them all so the Pope made an official decree that all three of us were the same person, called Mary Magdalene.
It all comes down to good old fashioned sexism because being the owner of a pair of boobs made you a lesser human in the World of the Church and they didn't want a woman being the equal of the men and they really hated that it was me there at all the big events including his crucifixion and resurrection.
It has really stuck in their craw that out of all the disciples and holy men, it was me who Jesus came to after he was resurrected although at first i thought he was the gardener and ignored him when he called me over.
He sent me to tell the other apostles the good news of his resurrection although they never actually believed me at first, Peter especially but then he was always jealous because Jesus would speak to me more than him.
The church retracted the claim in 1969, but because most people don't keep themselves up to date on the minutiae of Catholic dogma, the myth remains in Western cultre that Mary Magdalene is the 'sinful woman' who scrubbed Jesus' feet with her hair.
What did happen was my original statues and paintings had me all covered up in robes and looking Saintly but after the mixing me up with the other Mary's and my new job title of prostitute and sinner, my image began showing my naked body so i'm probably the only one of Jesus's disciples who's boobs you can look at although the chubby Peter had a fine pair himself so although he called me the bitch with tits, the only difference was i was supposed to have them, you wasn't Petey.