Special Guest Blogger: John Kellogg

The Middle Ages had the Black Death and 1918 had the influenza epidemic but the scourge sweeping the land at the end of the 19th century was masturbation and excessive sexual intercourse.
I was a Seventh Day Adventists and as well as requiring us to adhere to strict guidelines for hygiene, diet and chastity, we considered the spilling of the seed not in the act of creating life as sacrilegious and as a semi famous doctor and medical spa owner, i took it upon myself to launch a crusade to keep men and women from the unholy act of masturbating and i did it with bland food.
My first considerations were electric shocks, sewing the foreskin shut or circumcision for boys and dripping carbolic acid on the clitoris of girls but instead i plumped for creating an entire segment of the food industry, one without excitants known to fire the blood.
The most blandest foodstuff with the bonus of providing nutrition without any hint of stimulation that i could think of was thin flakes of corn arguing that eating bland foods would not incite passions, whereas spicy or well-seasoned foods would cause a reaction in people’s sexual organs that incited them to masturbate.
I was happy to let my Cornflakes take care of those sexual urges and cared more about my religious mission than making a profit but my brother was a businessman who marketed the product by adding sugar and sweetening the corn flakes which completely negated my idea to stop people self abusing.
He also patented Peanut Butter and Soy milk while i was writing my book 'Plain Facts about Sexual Life', four volumes and 900 pages of how touching yourself intimately was a one way ticket direct to the insane asylum and Satan's pitchfork up your backside.
My idea of deterring masturbation never took off and nor did my idea of eugenics where people of good pedigrees were encouraged to procreate exclusively with those of a certain standard of racial hygiene, or to put it another way, not those damned blacks.
So because of my brother changing my recipe, everybody's still doing it, some people do it a lot. Some of you reading this are doing it right now but i am much more relaxed about it these days, just keep one hand free to scroll through the page and you might want to give the keyboard a wipe afterwards, nobody likes a sticky space bar.