Special Guest Blogger: Pliny the Elder

The Century was the 1st and, as usual, Rome was at the forefront of everything including medical research and i was the top natural philosopher of the age and spent every moment researching natural phenomena and even wrote an encyclopedia to explain things for future generations which became the basis for the writings of many other philosophers after me.
It was all sensible ideas such as salamanders were magic and had the ability to put out fires although when i threw one into a fire it didn't put it out but it did smell nice and we had a cracking fish supper that night.
I deduced that mice were just little dirtballs that decided to grow legs and a tail and reproduced by licking each other and some could walk on two legs but understanding animals was easy compared to women.
As if trying to understand their impaired chariot driving, map-reading, home improvement skills, periodic moodiness, retail addiction, face-painting i also discovered that they menstruated and advised men to avoid looking at women for that week as the stare of a menstruating woman could wither fruit and crops, sour wine, dull mirrors, rust iron and bronze, blunt razors, kill bees, pollute purple fabrics, drive dogs insane, drive off storms and whirlwinds, and cause miscarriages.
Having sex with a menstruating woman during a solar or lunar eclipse could lead to disease or death for the male partner. Menstrual blood did have some curative properties though, it was great for curing gout, scrofula, skin growths, erysipelas, fevers, and bites from rabid dogs. It also served as protection against dark magical arts from the East.
As boxer shorts or cushions had not been invented yet, Hemorrhoids was quite the problem for us ancient Romans, but thanks to my suggestion that an onion suppository helped although my go to cure was rubbing the lard of a pig mixed with rust from a chariot wheel on the affected area.
A flagging libido in men was easily cured by wearing the right testicle of a cock, attached to the body in a ram’s skin but a overactive libido was simply cured by drinking the urine of a eunuch, or if a eunuch is not available, snails and pigeon’s droppings drunk with olive oil and wine will achieve the same result.
Want to know if your wife is a virgin before you marry her? Simply make her fast for a few days and if she can refrain from peeing, then the girl is still a virgin.
I was so fascinated by the natural world and advanced science and medical knowledge and probably could have gone on to enlighten everyone even more but when i saw Mount Vesuvius erupting, probably started by a woman on her period looking at it, i hopped in a ship and sailed straight for it to investigate further.
Unfortunately, i had left my snails slime mixed with the spit of a leper at home which proved to be a mistake as i was overcome by the fumes of the volcano and died.