Special Guest Blogger: George Patton

I was born to be a military man as after getting kicked in head by a horse as a boy, i saw all my previous lives as a 14th-century French knight, a Viking raider, a Roman Legionnaire, an English soldier at Agincourt and a general under Napoleon so it was no surprise that i became a soldier in the US Army as i had war in my blood.
I started out in the Mexican War, moved onto World War 1, became an alcoholic and had an affair with my wife’s 19-year-old niece through the boredom of nobody shooting at me during the boring bit before World Wars where i played a crucial role in the victory of the Allies in the second one for which i am most remembered.
I entered the prestigious military academy West Point at 17 and was great at all the military stuff but sucked at the academic side, specifically mathematics, i had to repeat the first year because i failed maths so many times i could hardly count but it was a military academy, how would knowing Pi help when you are in the jungles of Mexico?
I developed a cool way of carrying my gun by stuffing it in my belt but one day my Colt .45 accidentally discharged so deciding i liked both my testicles where they were, i switched to a Colt Single Action Army revolver which wouldn't accidentally blow my nuts into the next country and personalised it with an ivory handle.
Luckily for me, WW1 broke out and i was taken on as part of the American Expeditionary Force where i was introduced to tanks and i was trained to drive them which came in very useful in 1932 when a massive protest by World War I veterans and their families took place in Washington DC. demanding
the compensation certificates they had been given in 1924 and not redeemable until 1945 be cashed in now as they needed to feed their families.
We answered it with infantry, cavalry, and driving tanks at the marchers with me commanding the tanks which didn't harm my reputation as being ruthless, during the Second World War i was nicknamed 'Old Blood and Guts' and that was exactly what it took to win the War, the soldiers blood and guts scattered
across the battlefield and it was during this period that i made one of my most regrettable actions.  
I held great respect for the men under my command wounded in battle, declaring them the real heroes which didn't go down well with those families whose relatives weren’t lucky enough to be wounded but killed instead and i was visiting an army hospital in Sicily when i came across two men suffering from battle fatigue which i always said was an invention of the Jews (in my keenness for a spot of war i did sometimes forget which war i was fighting) and i furiously screamed at the two men, called them cowards and slapped them both hard across the face which got me reported and after a public outcry, i got took out of front line action for a year. I learnt a valuable lesson that day, if you are going to slap two men very, very hard, wear a glove as my hand stung for the rest of the day afterwards.
All good things must come to an end and after the war i was made the military governor of the German region of Bavaria instead of getting transferred to the war going on in the Pacific which is what i wanted but it never lasted very long as i allowed former members of the Nazi Party to carry on working in Government and said that anyone working in Government would have to join the Nazi Party and President Eisenhower relieved me of my duties so i went on a driving tour of Europe.
That ended with my breaking my neck in a car accident and spent the last 12 days of my life paralysed from the neck down.
I said it was a hell of a way to die but it's better than the last few deaths such as that time with Alexander the Great when a wall fell on me or my life in the Roman Legion when i died from a hail of arrows in the neck.