I know that not all my subjects can have a life which involved being handed millions for waving at the plebs lining the streets every now and then and remember to feed the corgi's while having your every whim seen to by an army of lackeys, but that's the life of a royal.
Probably the most famous British Royal before me was Henry VIII. When you consider that he was a bad tempered, ginger haired bloater with gout it is credit to him that he managed to get one wife, let alone six of them and when he wasn't attending the execution of a number of the aforementioned wives, he was picking a fight with the Pope but luckily, with the exception of my grandson Harry, the modern day Royals are less ginger haired and sweaty.
To be honest, despite the wealth, power and influence, being a Queen is surprisingly boring. I got to live in big houses and wear nice clothes and go to fancy events, but that's about it but because we didn't do anything to earn our money or position, we had to be seen to do things and the poor folk seemed to get a huge kick out of watching a rich old white woman ride down the street and wave at them from a golden carriage.
The only time i really managed to get my hands dirty was during the Second World War when i joined the Auxiliary Territorial Service as a mechanic although as well as learning how to change a spark plug, i really learnt how to swear, back at the Palace saying 'Hey Footman, where's my fecking cucumber sandwiches' was frowned upon but i could really let rip with the Anglo-Saxon in the garage.
I did see much in my 70 years ruling over a quarter of the Planet and probably had more ups and downs than Andrews backside at a Brian Epstein party including the troubles in Northern Ireland and Brexit but the lowest low was that photograph of Sarah Ferguson having her big toe sucked by a Texan, i said to Andrew for crying out loud she could have worn a pair of damn friggin socks for goodness sake.
Another low was meeting some awful world leaders, oafs like that Mr Trump, and I do use the term Mr. extremely loosely, after meeting him i mulled over the idea of offering to restore British rule over the United States of America but not with Parliament who cocked it all up last time, this would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming they’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his.
I said to Philip about my plan but when i said i couldn't see how a hate-filled, bitter, conceited, arrogant, scum-sucking racist moron can have such control over a population, he pointed out we have Boris Johnson running things so i quietly dropped the plan.
I know many were sad because i died but let’s be realistic here, we were never going to hang out anyway so nothing will have changed however interestingly during my death and Charles taking over 10 days later, swans were temporarily not protected but that was kept quiet as we would have seen bands of hungry Brits bashing them with spades and barbecuing them in the street.
Like many of the Privileged, the Royal Family has its flaws. It's bloated, slow and largely clueless and that's just Prince Andrew but that's for Charles to sort out, i'm out of that game now.
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