Special Guest Blogger: King Francis I

I was never supposed to see the throne of France, coming as i did from a minor branch of the Royal Family but after my father died when i was two, the people who decide these things traced their fingers down the line of succession, skipped straight over the many females in front of me because women could not take the throne, and there was me.
It became a game of can the current ruler, Louis XII of France, produce a male heir before he curled up his toes and my entire childhood was spent waiting for news of Louis either having a son which would relegate me or dying and making me King and just after my 11th Birthday i got my answer although the dying King made it a condition that to be King i had to marry his eldest daughter to keep his bloodline.
She was a okay-ish so i agreed but the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V wanted to marry her and that came back to bite me on the Royal derriere later.
As King i began grand building projects and began huge erections all over the nation, as a husband i also began huge erections all the country but not with my wife, i had a wandering eye and it wandered to her courtiers, friends and pretty much anyone with boobs but as i was wooing the ladies, Charles V was shaking his fist threateningly at me the whole time so i went to see the English King Henry VIII.
The big Galoot challenged to me to a wrestling match which i won which i assumed meant he would side with me against Charles but the double crosser signed an agreement aligning England with Spain in the event of a conflict with France.
Things then went bad as my wife died and i lost land to the invading Charles, then got worse when i got captured and delivered to Charles and then the less said about the deal to buy my freedom the better, i had to hand over my two sons and marry Charles sister, Eleanor of Austria.
I obviously agreed to it and then after the wedding run off back to France and negotiated for the retun of my sons and despite them being royally pissed with me for handing them over in the first place, everything was looking up until a game of tennis when my eldest son asked for a glass of water, collapsed and died, poisoned on behalf of Charles V of Spain.
I was so angry that i didn’t care who i teed off so broke all the rules by becoming the first ruler to make an alliance between a Christian and non-Christian empire by teaming up with the Ottoman Empire but before i could get proper revenge, i died so my annoyingly my lifelong enemy outlived me. I know the saying is that you can’t win 'em all but blimey, just one win would have been nice.