I was a simple Farmer and went to Rome after Pope Anteros died just to have a bit of a nosy around during the Papal election and there i was stood in the square along with thousands of other people when suddenly a dove come and sat on my head.
Now to anyone else i was a guy stood in the square with a bird on my head hoping it didn't crap down the back of my neck but to everyone else it was a sign that the Holy Spirit, in the form of a dove, had chosen me as the next Pope.
The prize for limbo-ing under that low bar was the Church agreed and i was handed the funny hat and told i was now Pope and to sort out the Roman's who had been persecuting Christians.
Luckily my time coincided with the mild mannered Emperor Philip who agreed that the bad blood between us and them was not a good thing and called a halt to the attacks on us, unfortunately he died not long afterwards and was replaced by the not so mild mannered new emperor, Decius, who wasn't quite so keen on the Jesus crowd and ordered all Christians to deny Christ.
Of course we said no and suddenly we were facing a horde of Roman Centurians with swords and the Christians looked towards me for leadership and help to keep out this vast army of lunatics, so i prayed.
Obviously looking skyward and saying 'little help please?' is not the most terrifying obstacle to a large group of heavily armed men waving around very sharp and pointy swords and it turned out that it was about as frightening as a hamster with the word 'Boo' painted on its nose because they lopped off my head and the heads of pretty much everyone else they could get hold of.
Still, could have been worse, stood next to me that day in the Square that day was an ancestor of King Herod and that wouldn't have ended well.
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