Special Guest Blogger: Arius

As a Christian priest my main job was to ensure that people were told that if they are good they go to the good place to listen to harps and if they are bad they go to the bad place and listen to Hawaiian guitars and explain to them how it all came about when a man in the clouds made the first couple who annoyed him by being enticed into eating an apple by a talking snake, that was the easy bit, my problems came when i suggested that there might have been a time when Christ hadn't existed. Like, say, before he was born.
My role in the great fourth-century theological conflict was to ask if Jesus was the son of god, there must have been a time before God Begat him when it was just God all on his lonesome so that must mean that Jesus was not infinite and eternal, only God is, or as i put it 'there was a time when the Son was not'.
Despite there being a massive clue in the name 'Son of God', the Church told me to shut my big fat yap and argued that the Holy Trinity of God, Jesus and the Holy Sprit were the same thing but more and more people began to hear me and question if Jesus was a lesser power than God then  Emperor Constantine got involved and ordered a meeting of all the top Churchy types to end the Christological dispute.
Two months and a few thrown slaps and punches later, while the Church arguing that the God's son wasn't actually the son of God at all but God himself, the rest decided that by decree the son of God will from hence forth be known as 'homoousios', meaning 'one in essence' and anyone who says different is a heretic and will burn in the fires of hell.
It wasn't just heretics being burnt afterwards, i was exiled and the decree said that all my writings should be handed over to the authorities to make a huge bonfire with and anyone found to have hidden anything composed by me shall be put to death.
I went off to Palestine to live but i was invited back into the Church a year later and the Emperor directed Alexander of Constantinople to receive me in Jerusalem which didn't go down well with him which he expressed by saying he was earnestly praying that i might perish before this could happen.
I arrived in my best clothes, had a meal and brushed my beard and set off to the Imperial Palace but on the way there i suddenly felt faint and to put it politley, there was a violent relaxation of my bowels, or to put it less delicately, i shat myself, violently. So violently in fact that amongst the red and brown stuff on the floor behind me was my small intestines, spleen and liver.
My opponents put it down to God making a statement about me being bought back into the fold but i put it down to the copious amounts of poison on my food rather than a Holy assassination by bowel evacuation but God moves in mysterious ways so stay regular kids, just in case.