Special Guest Blogger: Noah

A long, long time ago when God first made the Earth, we haven't got time to get into the dates and things but let's go with the Bible and say 5,000 years ago, God looked at his humans being evil and threw a massive hissy fit and said to himself they are so wicked so went straight to the genocide and said i know, i'll have to wipe them off the face of the earth with a flood along with every living thing because he was angry with the animals too for some reason.
There was one man who was still very good, that would be me, and despite being 600 years old at the time, God told me the plan to just start again with me and the wife and i should round up two of every animal, build an ark to keep them alive and i did what God said but let me tell you, it was a proper nightmare.
There are 5,000 million species of animals, that's 10 million animals on an Ark 300 cubits long (437ft), 50 cubits wide (72ft) and 30 cubits high (43ft) and it rained for 40 days and nights the flood water rose higher and higher until it covered the tops of the highest mountains and so every living thing was drowned except us and the animals in the ark.
The sea creatures were fine, they were better off in fact, but i had the problem of feeding and cleaning up after the 10 million animals and as God was busy massacring everyone, it only left us to do the feeding, water and to shovel the poop over the side of the ark.
For a hundred and fifty days the earth was covered with water and we bobbed around until i opened a window of the Ark and looked out and noticed that the water seemed to be going down so i sent a raven out but it soon came flying back as it couldn't find anywhere to settle so i waited another week avoiding being mauled by the vicious animals or trampled by the heavy ones and sent out a dove who came back with a green olive branch and God told me to land and let all the animals out.
Now with God being a bit of a moody sod, i asked if i could keep the Ark moored somewhere safely in case he got all murdery again but he said no need, he would never again send a flood to destroy the earth and here's a pretty rainbow to prove it.
So when you've done wrong and you are feeling very sad about it, think of the rainbow and the peace which God wants to put into your heart and don't ask any akward questions about how did 10 million animals fit on a Ark with 95,832 square feet of floor space or why almost every other and earlier religion also had a deity causing a killer flood to almost wipe out mankind for being evil, just shut up, look at the rainbow and say thank you for the loving mass murder of your ancestors because God is love remember. Yep, it was a good thing, for me it was anyway, i lived to be 950.