Monday, 10 March 2008

The NEW & IMPROVED Seven Sins

I would be the first to admit that I don't know my Asiah from my El-Beth when it comes to the Bible but everyone knows the story of the seven deadly sins.
Thoughtfully, those good sports at the Vatican have updated the list of cardinal sins for the 21st Century so out go Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride and in come some shiny new things that threaten us with eternal damnation.
On closer inspection of the regulations governing our descent into hell if we commit any of the following, our trip into the fiery depths can be avoided by simply confessing it so if you plan to do any of these following sins, just make an appointment with your local priest for the following day and you are covered. So what have the Vatican made a sin now?

First up is: "thou shalt not pollute the earth." Good start and the executives of Shell, BP and Exxon had better find a priest pretty sharpish.
Next is: "thou shalt not perform genetic manipulation." We are looking at you those farmers who continue to trial genetically modified food in your fields.
Third of the seven is "thou shalt not accumulate excessive wealth." Lets peek at the Vatican's bank balance so we can get an idea of what it thinks is an excessive amount of wealth to have. The Vatican has assets of £2b you say. I think most of us may just scrape in under that.
Fourth new sin is: "thou shalt not inflict poverty." Catholics priests are that-a-way executives of Nike, Gap & Levi.
Coming in at number five is: "Thou shalt not traffic drugs." Makes sense.
At six is "thou shalt not perform morally debatable experiments." Like experimenting with covering the tracks of priestly paedophiles and then slandering the victims?
Finally we have "thou shalt not violate the fundamental rights of human nature". Pay attention Tony and George, the Pope is pointing you towards the down escalator. Say hi to Beelzebub for us.

So there you go, follow those seven and you will be peachy although i would like to see Brad Pitt make a movie with this line up.


Miz UV said...

I'll do much better with these than the first set, so I'm all for the change.

ruth said...

Gotta love the excessive wealth thing. My daughter said "Is this new pope on crack?"

annie said...

he's on catholicism-much worse than crack!

Jefe said...

I'm confused. Are these new Commandments, or new sins? The beauty of the old list was that it was a list of seven one-word sins. You could say the entire list and still have enough breath left to blow up a small balloon. This new list reads like seven new Commandments, and i don't like that one bit.

SteveLockwood said...

Trouble with the old list, Jefe, is that it was mainly a list of the things we like to do. Easy to remember, I grant you, but a bit limiting when you want to eat, drink and be merry. No point in blowing up balloons if you can't have a party.

The Biblical origins are also a bit shaky - it was more a bit of revisionism by Medieval killjoys.

So, I'm all for a 21st Century update.

Cheezy said...

"i would like to see Brad Pitt make a movie with this line up."

Same here! And I'd like to actually see Gwyneth's severed head this time! :)

Anonymous said...


One of your funniest posts ever.

So, to summarize...

Don't sell drugs, engage in prostitution, pornography or slavery, or abuse the environment to become rich (too late), suppress the poor (too late), jack with DNA (too late).


Cheezy said...

I'm quite pleased with these. They look much easier to obey than the last lot!

I'm doing particularly well with not performing genetic manipulation and not accumulating excessive wealth. Sorted there! I feel so virtuous.

Whereas, as regards the original 7 deadly sins (like sloth, gluttony and lust), I'd tend to commit those on a several-times-daily basis.

Excellent laugh-out-loud post, Lucy :)

Lucy said...

Like you jefe, i wasn't sure if these were commandments and i actually began writing this post with a smart-arse joke about knowing nothing about the bible except Noah going up Mount Sinus and finding 2 tablets.
I did find it difficult finding 2 biblical characters whose name resembles arse and elbow though.

Hopefully these new seven mean that we can indulge in the old seven. Possibly all at the same time.

Jodie K said...

So are there now fourteen deadly sins or seventeen commandments? I never was good at math...

This one gives me pause -

"Thou shalt not perform morally debatable experiments"

Whom is debating and how do they define "moral"? Smells of stem cell research or Terri Schiavo.

Jefe said...

That's a typo, Jodie. It's supposed to be "orally debatable."

Jodie K said... mind is a tumblin'...

Oh, like whistling in church?

David G said...

When the Pope lives as Gandhi did then maybe I'll take some notice of what he says.

While he lives in a Palace of priceless wealth and wears wonderfully expensive creations on his body and his head while tells the poor they will inherit the earth, I'll ignore him!


Anonymous said...

Like Jefe, I also like the idea of one word monakers for the new sins. Here are some suggestions for naming the modern deadly sins:

1. hoarding = accumulating obscene wealth
2. ecothug = polluting the environmnent
3. genejack = genetic engineering
4. pushing = drug dealing
5. flushing = abortion
6. raper = paedophilia
7. despot = causing social injustice