What a mess the athletic governing body is making over the South African 800m runner Caster Semenya. They have asked the athlete to undertake a gender test to establish whether to title the letters Mr or Miss and have hired a barrage of doctors including a gynaecologist, an internal medicine expert, an expert on gender and a psychologist to find out.
A result is not expected for months but they could have taken 6 easy tests in a single afternoon and it all would have been wrapped up before tea.
1 - The picture test. Show them a picture of a beautiful, scantily clad woman. If Caster starts drooling and a pervy grin appears across their face and they mutter incoherently when you talk to them, its a dude. If Caster comments on how her roots need doing and those red shoes don't go with those stockings, then it's a female.
2 - The grudge Test. Simply ask Caster if there is anybody they dislike. If there are less than 3 then it's a he. If there are over 50 going back to that ginger girl who stole that red crayon from me at nursery school or the woman who handed me my change in a way i didn't much care for in Asda in 2001, then it's a she.
3 - The Barbecue Test. Fire up a barbecue and leave the grill unattended for 30 seconds. If on your return Caster is seated in the same place and showing no interest in the cooking burgers, then she's a lady. If on your return Caster is flipping over the burgers and warning people to stand clear as they squirt more fuel onto the glowing bricks, then he's a man.
4 - The Car Test. Stand the South African in front of a car and open the bonnet and ask Caster to check the oil. If Caster looks blankly back at you and asks for the phone number of the AA, it's a lady.
5 - The IKEA Test. Hand over a flat pack bedside cabinet and observe. If Caster carefully reads through the instructions and calmly constructs the cabinet, it's Miss. If Caster rips open the packaging, hits it about with a hammer, swears and complains that the holes don't line up for 20 minutes before realising that they have the wrong bit, it's Mr Semenya.
6 - The clock Test. Ask Caster to meet you at a designated place at a certain time. If they arrive fifteen minutes late, they are a woman.
See how easy it could have been.