Wednesday, 19 August 2009

What To Do With Zombies

I expect that at some time or another, we have all been accosted by a demon or a creature of the night and wondered just what we should do. Luckily, the Canadians have been on it.
Usually if the words 'Scientific research shows' appears at the start of a news item, i turn the page quicker than it takes to read the words 'scientific research shows' but finally the boffins have came up with something that is useful.
The University of Ottawa and Carleton have discovered that a zombies attack would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively.
In their study, the researchers set out to answer the question 'If there was to be a battle between zombies and the living, who would win?'
The conclusion was that we would if we "hit them hard and hit them often" adding "It's imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly or else we are all in a great deal of trouble."
Now if we put to one side the obvious question of just how much of a soft touch must the people who hand out research grants in Canada be, we should give the question of fighting the undead some thought.
Zombies always seemed a bit rubbish to me. Slow, clumsy and easy to keep outside of biting distance.
Much more of a challenge would be vampires but they can be kept at bay by making the sign of a cross and if for some bizarre reason you can't do that, just make sure you are standing in sunlight and they are kept kicking their heels in the shade while you flick matches at them. Night may be a different story though and you probably should raid the local church for holy water to keep by your bed.
Probably the worst kind of undead we could be over-run by would be werewolves. I hardly think the thing would stop and twiddle its claws while we fashioned a silver bullet out of our jewellery so the University of Ottawa should concentrate on how to defeat them instead of Zombies. Maybe it will get a bit of time after it's latest groundbreaking research on 'The Pope: Is he Catholic?'

6 comments:

iMuslim said...

Did this research happen to be published on April 1st?

Lucy said...

Would explain it if it did. Apparently there is a serious side to it, something to do with infectious diseases.

Cheezy said...

Makes sense. We beat the Martians with the common cold, so the zombies are bound to give us something yucky in return.

"Zombies always seemed a bit rubbish to me. Slow, clumsy and easy to keep outside of biting distance."

I'm an extra in a (hopefully) soon to be released zombie film made down in Brighton... and we were 'modern' zombies i.e. we ran like hell. None of this lurching-about rubbish.

iMuslim said...

I think the 28 days later, Rage virus 'zombies' were terrifying. I know they're not quite zombies in terms of reanimated corpses... But close in terms of their single-mindedness to destroy the non-infected.

Anonymous said...

Lucy,

I thought the UK sent all their zombies to Australia... oh, that was in the late 1800's...

sorry

Q

Lucy said...

But Q, zombies are slow witted creatures who moan and lumber about unaware of anything that is going on around them while Australians are....Ok, i see your point.