Thursday, 25 February 2016

It's A Sin

The Bible is the single authoritative text on morality and values in the Christian faith and Christians therefore take God's instructions seriously and toe the religious line to ensure that when their time is up they travel upwards and not go in the opposite direction.  
For many the Bible has taken a backseat as a moral guidebook but there are still Christians who try to live their life by the tenets of the Old and New Testaments, but even they go about their days often committing sins without knowing it so i feel it is my duty to warn you of things you Christians may be doing which will see St Peter turn you away from his pearly gates.

Wear Gold Jewellery, expensive clothes or have braids in your hair? Hell awaits you as it states in 1 Timothy 2:9 'I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments'.

Who doesn't love a pair of ripped jeans? God apparently because as Leviticus 10:6 explains: 'And Moses said unto Aaron, and unto Eleazar and unto Ithamar, his sons, Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people'.

God being the loving, forgiving type, you can gamble that he will overlook the occasional fashion blasphemy but what about that night when you got drunk and woke up with a dolphin tattoo on your ankle? SINNER!!!
Leviticus 19:28 says that: 'Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, not print any marks upon you'. That's your soul damned for eternity then.

So by now you have thrown out your ripped jeans and sent all your jewellery to Cash 4 Gold and the only thing left in your wardrobe is a selection of polyester blend skirts. Oh dear, Leviticus 19:19 reads: 'you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together. Neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee'. It’s 100% cotton or nothing people.

You may think that so far it all seems a bit anti-female, but the Bible is nothing if not misogynistic and sexist so ladies, once in Church keep quiet as ecplained in 1 Corinthians 14:34: 'Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak'. Know your place ladies and stop singing all things Bright & Beautiful on a Sunday morning.

You may think that designer stubble and long hair looks cool but unless you are at the start of a mission to grow a beard down to your navel or plan to shave it off as soon as you find a razor then God will tell you to go do one because he hates beards as much as he hates homosexuals. Leviticus 19:27 tells us that: 'You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads neither shalt thy mar the corners of thy beard'. That bowl cut you will need to rock will be worth it in the end.

So you take your shaved chin and circa 1963 John Lennon haircut down to the restaurant to cheer yourself up with a meal. The seafood menu looks appetising but put down those crabsticks unless you fancy eternity with a pitchfork up your backside. Leviticus 10-11 reads: 'All that have no fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcasses in abomination'.

By now you are probably thinking to play it safe, just stay at home and maybe throw the ball around outside with the kids, surely God can't have a downer on that. You'd think wouldn't you.
As Leviticus 11:7-8 explains: 'And the pig, because it parts the hoof and is cloven-footed but does not chew the cud, is unclean to you. You shall not eat any of their flesh, and you shall not touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you'.
You know that rugby ball or American football you have been throwing around is made of pig skin right. See that bit about not touching the pigs carcass. Yep, you're toast.

Of course if you obey all the above from now on you may sneak in with a plea that you didn't know but as soon as you become aware you threw out your hooped earrings, ripped Levi's and wool blend coat and never made another visit to Captain Ahabs Lobster Shack and banned all balls from your house but of course if you were a proper Christian you would have read the Bible enough to know you were throwing away eternity in paradise when you were enticed into buying that bling.

3 comments:

Keep Life Simple said...

Jesus replaced all those laws. You don't earn your way by into heaven anymore via deeds.

Falling on a bruise said...

That's good because imagine asking for a Beatles haircut 2000 years before the Beatles came around. Does it mean then that the 10 commandments are forgotten and you guys can now go creating idols and covering your neighbours asses?

Keep Life Simple said...

Yep