Special Guest Blogger: Fatty Arbuckle

Men have been regretting sticking their bits in ill-advised places since the beginning of time, and history has its share of scandals where the details of the stories are actually quite a bit weirder. Well back in the 1920's i was the biggest star in Hollywood in every way.  
Born weighing 16 pounds, Hollywood quickly learnt what we had always known, people like laughing at fat guys and i was in films with Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton and the Keystone Cops.
I signed a million-dollar contract with Paramount Pictures and one of the clauses of the contract was i must remain over 250 pounds and i even received a bonus if i became even Fatter Arbuckle and added 50 or 100 pounds.
After signing a three-year $1 million contract with Paramount, me and a group of my friends celebrated like anyone would by getting trashed and i rented some rooms at a hotel, despite it being the time of prohibition bought as much gin as my chubby arms would carry and threw a party for some friends and i hooked up with Virginia Rappe, and doing it for 300lb guys everywhere, i jumped her bones.
A morbidly obese man jumping anything is a bad idea and a morbidly obese man doing the missionary position is an exceptionally bad idea and she ran out of the bedroom clutching her stomach with a ruptured spleen.
She died from her injuries 4 days later although everyone loved my fat-guy antics when i was on screen, it didn't stop them from jumping to the conclusion that i crushed and killed her during sex and i was charged with first-degree murder, literally murder by squashing.
Fortunately for me, the prosecution's case against me had more holes than the Titanic but it still took two hung juries and a third to find me innocent of the rape and murder charges but i did get a $500 fine for violating prohibition laws.
The police wrote me an apology but it didn't give me a new job after i was blacklisted from Hollywood and theater owners and movie producers refused to show any of my movies.
The antipathy toward my movies meant that theaters no longer tried to keep them in stock and they have now withered away which is exactly what i did because at some point your heart says stuff this when you spend your adult life hovering around 300 pounds and it may have gone all wrong but i proved that if you want to make someone laugh, get a fat guy, if he wants sex, get a headache.