I was a South African who fought in one of our many wars against the British but the sneaky bliksems captured me and put me in a concentration camp but i was a good looking guy with a cool accent so seduced the daughter of one of the guards to gain freedom.
I hit upon a madcap plan of making my way to the windswept shit-hole called England where i asked if i could join their Army and the nutters said 'pip pip old bean' or something like that and they gave me a rifle and stationed me back in South Africa.
Just waiting for an opportunity to take out as many of those stiff upper lips as possible, i returned to my parent's farm in South Africa and realized the British Army had killed my sister, sent my mother to a British concentration camp and the entire place was littered with Britishness therefore ensuring nothing would ever grow on the land again.
As revenge, i planned to completely destroy Cape Town, where Lord Kitchener, the man responsible for what happened to my family, was staying. I recruited 20 men to begin our tour of destruction, but was betrayed by the wife of one of my cohorts and wound up imprisoned again.
I managed to escape the death penalty by giving away secret South African codes but they were all bullcrap and i received life imprisonment instead while my 20 men were forced to eat British food and when that didn't kill them quick enough, they shot them.
After the war, the idiots made the mistake of releasing me so still holding a grudge over the whole slaughtered sister thing, i headed to Scotland, tracked down Herbert Kitchener, and sabotaged his boat, killing him.
I was caught and arrested but the British prisons are as weak as their rugby team and i escaped and when World War II came around, i helped the Nazis by spying on the British for them but they never arrested me again and i died aged 78, wiping my backside on the Union Flag so pip pip that British poephols.
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