Special Guest Blogger: Ragnar Lodbrok

An elder once taught me, you must unlearn what you have learnt. Of course he then died of the green plague but there were some Vikings that made people everywhere simultaneously need a fresh pair of underwear when we donned our goatskin boots and helmets for battle because i was one of the most vicious out of all of us warriors.
I was also one of the most fertile but i needed lots of sons because whenever i invaded a country, i left my children to run it while i went off and took over somewhere else, i had lots of sons and Sigurd ruled over England, Radbarrd Scotland, Fridleif Norway, and Björn Ironside Sweden but it wasn't all about the conquest, sometimes we just did it for giggles and i invented a new method of execution i proudly called the Blood Eagle.
This involved cutting into a person’s back, tearing apart their ribcage, then pulling out their lungs from behind so it looked like an eagle’s wings, or lungs dragged out from the body depending on your position.
The Paris trip was a good one, the second attempt anyway, the first time we tried we got halfway down the Seine when an outbreak of dysentrystruck the crew and if you have ever been stuck on a longboat with a hundred men with diharrea then you will know what fun that was.
The second one i had a cunning plan of faking my own death, we turned up on Easter Sunday when most of Paris was in Church and my crew claimed that my last wish was to be baptized so they dragged my coffin into the church for burial, but as soon as i was inside, i bursts forth, alive and armed to the gizzards and we showed why our Odin trumps their God.
We did keep 111 alive though, kept them alive long enough to drag them out onto an island on the Seine, and had them all hanged, leaving their bodies hanging in the wind.
The French king, Charles the Bald, gave us a shipful of gold and silver to go away which we did but England was where my end came.
My wife said she had a vision that my mission to England would result in defeat and sure enough i ended up in a pit full of deadly snakes and a one way ticket to Vallhalla which is where the Nordic warriors go, that's the fun afterlife, not that crappy place you'll all go to.