Special Guest Blogger: Diogenes

We ancient Greeks loved a bit of philosophy and i took it to the extreme, giving up my possessions and clothing and went to live in a barrel.
I wasn't very sociable but i would sometimes invite people back to my barrel and give them the tour which went along the line of this is the dining room, and the living room and the bedroom, oh, and the toilet, pass me that paper will you, got to poop.
My philosophy was that enlightenment could only be attained when one was free of social constructs such as not  wandering around Greece urinating on people, defecating in the theater or masturbating in public, all of which i did to prove that no social construct was going to stop me doing what i wanted. My party invites did dry up around the same time though and nobody wanted to shake my hand either but i had a fan in Alexander The Great.
He would pop down to my barrel and once i had stopped masturbating, he would stay for a chat and completely not be fazed by my lack of clothing
and my meat and two veg hanging between us. Talking of veg i once came across a carrot that was exactly the same shape as a penis which is particularly ironic because i've got a thingy that's shaped like a carrot which was great for hiding in the vegetable rack and frightening the housewives.
I founded the philosophical school of Stoicism but Plato was my rival so i would regularly sit in on his lectures at The Academy and intentionally eat as loudly as possible to disrupt his lessons. Another time i threw a plucked chicken at him when he said human beings were just featherless bi-peds.
My profound (and some may say unhygienic) life came to an end thanks to a demonstration of me holding my breath until i died, which i did but i left a typical philosophers wish for my burial.
I left instructions to be thrown outside the city wall so wild animals could feast on my body because why should I care what happens to me when I am dead and i never, but i also asked for a stick so i could chase them off before they ate me which was satisfyingly confusing.
I do get asked what i learned on my great journey and i suppose i've learned that if you live in a barrel, either have a separate barrel for the toilet or buy a much stronger air freshner.