Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Ghostbusting Tonight

Back in 1984, Ray Parker Jnr posed the question that 'If there's somethin' strange in your neighbourhood, Who ya gonna call?
As we are now at the one day of the year when the veil that separates the living and the dead is at its thinnest, Ray's question is even more relevant but as the emergency services are bound to be busy dealing with the multitude of calls that 'there's somethin'  weird an' it don't look good', we should be prepared to deal with the visit from one of the living dead ourselves. Luckily, we have decades of horror films and Buffy The Vampire Slayer to fall back on so here's a handy guide on the best way to stay safe this Halloween night.

Witches
By far the most popular Halloween character you may encounter is a Witch. Although they may possess the power to turn you into a toad, witches were killed by the thousand back in medieval times and are basically just warty women with pointy hats and a broom so if a woman with a big nose and dressed all in black climbs through your window on Halloween, a blunt object to the head should
cool her heels permanently.

Vampires
Vampires are the living dead, forced to feed on the livings blood. They fear sunlight, the cross, fire and a stake through their hearts. Their weakness is they always only go for the neck jugular so either sleep with a crucifix and a stake within handy grasp or wear a neck brace.

Skeletons
A skeleton reanimated by the dark arts offers the challenge of how to stop something with no brain or organs. Throwing anything at it is pointless as it will sail through between the rib-cage but the skeleton major weakness is that it is basically made of dog treats so entice the family pooch to sleep on your bed and within seconds of putting in an appearance, vital parts of it will be buried in the garden by an excited Rover.

Werewolves
Come the full moon anyone can change into a ferocious werewolf which can only be killed by a silver bullet. Unless there is a full moon this Halloween evening you are safe from having your intestines being used to decorate your bedroom walls. If it is a full moon then a silver bullet is your only salvation so you better start melting down that cheap jewellery.

Demons
Demons come in many shapes and forms but they all have something in common, they can be killed in many ways from fire to decapitation. They may come from hell and be super strong but they tend to be easily distracted. The old "Look out, behind you" ploy will give you more than enough time to grab a handily concealed battle axe and remove it's ugly head.

Killer Dolls
Sometimes the best things don't come in small packages such as dolls possessed by the spirit of a dead serial killer.
As cute as they are scary, the achilles heels for any type of doll intent on driving your mums best carving knife repeatedly into you is that no matter how evil it is, its still doll sized and can be launched across the room with a swift kick. As it is only held together with a few stitches, it will only take a few of these until its limbs fall off, it's stuffing comes out and all that remains is a pile of material and dead serial killer wishing he had possessed something a bit more substantial.  

Ghosts
Ghosts are just rubbish. They can’t hurt you and the only thing they can do is make scary noises. This can ruin a good night’s sleep, but it can’t hurt you.

Killer Clowns
A relative newcomer to the hall of horrors but though they may look funny with their squirty flowers and big red noses make no mistake, while some will do no more than honk their horn at you, others will rip off your head and spin it on a wobbly pole for the rest of eternity. Luckily, clowns have a liking for oversized shoes which can be easily nailed to the ground and a good shove will render them useless although beware cream-pies, over-sized hammers or buckets of confetti in their hands as you make your escape

Monster Created From Parts Of Corpses
Not as popular as they previously once were but we shouldn't neglect mad scientists stitching together body parts from dead people and hooking them up to a bolt of lightening. The first problem is that it is hard to get the body parts from many different sources to fit correctly, one leg may be longer than the other, the head may be too big for the body so they have problems with co-ordination
but their main weakness are their own insecurities, Frankenstein just wanted to be loved. A few put downs and ridiculing their appearance should send them running blubbing out of the room.  

Zombies
Zombies are the walking dead but their biggest drawback is they are as dumb as a post and unless you are wearing boots, trousers and a coat made from lead, you could easily outpace the slowcoaches before they get the chance to eat your brain. Fire or a bullet in the brain will stop them in their tracks.

Mummies
Mummies are just zombies wrapped up in bandages, which makes it slower and more flammable than a regular zombie. Hopeless.

Robots
Probably the least welcome thing you could find looming over you in the dead of night is a robot. Whether they are cyborgs from the future, aliens or escapees from a local tourist attraction out to kill all of mankind, robots are notoriously hard to kill.
Not only are they metallic, but they are always immensely strong and impervious to fire, bullets, hitting with blunt objects or swords and have clear, logical thought which anticipates your every move.
You cannot outrun it so the only chance you have is to confuse it's circuits with some bizarre and confusing logic that will fry it's computerised brain trying to figure out. Reading out the lyrics to any REM song will work fine.

If the abomination that has made the journey into our world is anything else, then i suggest taking up Ray Jnr's advice of picking up the phone and calling Ghostbusters although to be honest, you will probably be in 27 bits spread around the living room before the first ring.

3 comments:

Keep Life Simple said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Falling on a bruise said...

more scary to anyone in America at the time they decide to go on another gun rampage.

Falling on a bruise said...

There you go, another gun rampage like clockwork