Sunday, 29 October 2017

If You DON'T Find Yourself In A Horror Film

I planned on writing a blog post advising you what to do if you find yourself in a horror movie and the pitfalls to avoid but where's the fun in that i thought so here is exactly what you should do if you DON'T find yourself in a  horror film this year.
A bit of prep work before the big day helps so always buy your child the creepiest doll you can find, preferably a clown or ventriloquist doll and bury any recently dead pets/kids/spouses in an ancient Indian burial ground.
Buying one of those cymbal holding clapping monkeys and a bathroom cabinet that has sliding mirrors so something will appear behind you once you close it are also a nice touch.
With everything ready, the next step is to make sure that if doors close on their own, pictures fall off the walls or if you hear disembodied sounds of children laughing, you don't bolt out the door but start to wander around shouting 'Is Anybody There?'
Under no circumstances should you pick up anything that could be used as a weapon.
If there is a group of you then make sure that you split up while exploring and if it's dark then you can light a candle or turn on a torch especially when you go down into the creepy basement or climb up to the cobweb festooned attic.
If you come across an old, leather bound book read aloud from it or if you stumble across a strange ritualistic device, have a go at trying to solve it.
By now you should have attracted something that wants to rip out your innards so if you are approached by something evil looking, slowly walk backwards until your back is up against a wall, then instead of running away, stay there and scream for a while before making a break for it.
Unless you have a scary looking woods by your house to run into, never head straight for the front door, run upstairs if possible not forgetting to trip at least once.
Finally, once you are trapped you can have a go at killing the monster but if you take this option then don't be too keen to make your escape, hover over the fallen demon to give it a chance to either make a grab for your leg or sit bolt upright and you can then kill them a second time.
Now people, let's remember what we just learned and put it to good use.

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