Special Guest Blogger: Cecil Rhodes

I might be dead but i know why i have been asked to write here today, it's because i'm British and as i said 'being British, we won the first  prize in the great lottery of life' which may sound a bit arrogant but i didn't mean it that way, i meant it was because we were better than everyone else.
I went to live in Africa due to my asthma and the British climate wasn't good for me, the Great in Britain isn't there because of the weather and a chance discovery proved that diamonds were not only a girl's best friend but did brilliantly for me also, it made me so much money i started buying land but the problem was the land had people who were not White British living on it.
With all the good grace you would expect from a white Victorian-era diamond magnate, i bought over white folk and gave them land while reducing the amount of land a black person could legally own. 
Then i ingeniously changed the voting rules so the blacks could vote only if they owned enough land, which they obviously never, see the previous sentence.
Oh, then just in case they ever started that wanting to vote in their own country ball rolling again, the sweetest plum in the up-yours basket was when i introduced a tax that increased sharply with the size of the hut they lived in which didn't go down well but i explained that life isn't fair, nor will it ever be anyway, i've got lots of money and am very famous and you're not so shut up and dig.
I ended up buying, controlling and lording it over 850,000 square miles of the earth's surface and called it after myself, i wanted Cecil Rhodes African Peninsula but the initials didn't look good on the flag so ended up going with Rhodesia instead.
I treated my people well, the white settlers in Australia and North and South America slaughtered their indigenous people but i did what i did out of an undying love for my fellow Rhodesian's and Britain and if anything i didn't know the strength of my own love, like Lennie from Of Mice and Men, if he had access to millions of pounds, powerful firearms and an army.
When i died aged 48 us Brits had maintained their position as the supreme race and the ultimate accolade, statues were built of me including in Oxford University which as i saw today, still draws thousands of students, many of them black, to gathering around it, singing and staring up at the man who bought a little piece of Britain to the Africans, not a good bit obviously, somewhere like Essex possibly, but it still brings a tear to this Brit's beady little eye.