Special Guest Blogger: Alcibiades

If there is one thing the Ancient Greeks love more than eating olives and waving our hands excitedly as we talk, it was our Hermae statues which were blocks of marble, the top of which was carved into the depiction of a god's head, while down at crotch level was a lovingly carved, heroically erect penis.
These dick statues were the pride of Athens back in my day and were placed along all the roads in and out of Athens and one night, after a hard day fighting in our wars against Sparta and Persia and few too many bottle of wine, i thought it would be hilarious to take my hammer and chisel and make a few improvements.
When i woke up the next morning, well Jenna Jameson is probably the only person to be surrounded by so many erect penis's at one time and the Ancient Greeks, not having a sense of humour, failed to see the funny side of it and although i was one of Athens best generals, the deboning of marble God's saw me handed the death sentence so i ran off to Sparta and before they threw me off a mountain, i promised to share all my secrets with them.
They made me their military advisor and all was going well until i discovered that Spartan wine is even stronger than the Athenian stuff but this time there was only one penis and that was mine which ended up inside the Spartan Kings wife and so with another death sentence on my head, i ran off to Persia and did the same trick of telling them i knew all the secrets of the Spartan Army and helped them defeat Sparta in many sea battles.
In alcohol terms Persia was as dry as a Vestal Virgins gusset and why have two death sentences when you can have three so i persuaded the Athenians to take me back, telling them i knew all the secrets of the Spartan and Persian armies, which they did and the divine dong-smashing was forgiven.
After a few mishaps which meant the entire Sparta Fleet was destroyed, none of which were penis related for a change, i legged it back to Persia planning to apologise and do the usual but a shower of arrows wasn't the welcome i was expecting and i died.
So drink responsibly kids and if you can't and you wake up with a hangover and surrounded by erect penis's, i warned you.