Goddamn Uncomfortable In Church

'At this time of the rolling year' the ghost of Jacob Marley said, 'I suffer most' but Charles Dickens dead accountant isn't the only one as the people who make their once a year visit to the Church are about to find out as the Churches STILL make their flock sit on pews.
As someone who only steps into a church when someone dies, gets married or is christened (let's forget the times when I sit in the confessional box and pretend to be a vicar) but the last time i was there i remember thinking how can the Church be so tight fisted with their seating.  
It isn't enough that you have to sit for an hour in a cold church while some man bangs on about God being a nice chap but he will send you to a fiery pit for all of eternity if you misbehave and then pass around a plate to pay for it, all the time sat on a plank of varnished wood.
The Church is always despairing about how their congregation is shrinking and if you put to one side that hardly anybody believes in the magical man in the sky who dishes love and killer earthquakes in equal measure anymore, i would say because it's so uncomfortable.
The Church of England has £5 billion in its coffers, making £800m last year alone, but it won't spring for more comfortable seats. I know the Church is all about pain and suffering but as most of the congregation are elderly, it must be a bit hard on those arthritic joints.
I do have a solution though, tear up the pews and stick in some nice, comfortable sofas. Then install a coffee machine and sell coffee and tea etc and put in a few tables and instead of the prayers and sermons, replace them with a bit of piped music, sack all the vicars and get in some students to make the lattes, replace all the bibles with the Sunday newspapers and finally stick up a 'Costas' sign out the front.
I guarantee that you will have more people in your church then ever each Sunday morning and the only chance of being uncomfortable would be if someone you knew saw you reading the Sunday Sun.