Having once watched 'The Longest Yard', i am therefore Britain's foremost authority on American football so it falls to me to explain this weekends game between the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks.
In my lofty position as the number one expert here, i predict a win for the Patriots and for them to bring home the large bowl the winner receives to have them dancing in the streets of the newest of the England's.
In a four hour show, three hours and fifteen minutes of the game are adverts but in those forty five minutes when the game is actually being played, we can expect more hits then Charlie Sheen and a flashed female nipple at the half time show with close ups of overweight men in too-tight football tops with a handful of pizza and mouthful of hot dog waving enthusiastically when their face shows up on the big screen.
We can look forward to something called an offensive linesman which i hope is like the guy with the flag in the Premier League calling Harry Redknapp an ugly, fat git and ordering him back to the technical area and then there are the players called tight ends which should be easy to spot as they will be the ones running the fastest.
Both sides have players with no first names, just initials, and i was unable to find any connection whatsoever for either team to connect to us over here (Seahawks have a player called Britt, that's it) who will be fast asleep when the whistle blows to start the game at midnight GMT.
I'm sure there will be some hardy souls who will forgo sleep and work tomorrow to watch Idina Menzel warble about red rockets and bombs bursting in air in a nod towards the Obama foreign policy. Hopefully she will manage to squeeze in a bit of 'Let It Go' from Frozen between the lines about dawns early light and the gleaming ramparts.
So it's the Patriots to win and a handful of Brits phoning work on Monday morning with a case of 24 hour flu.