Following news that there is unrest following the privatisation of Christmas, i have received a leaked email sent from the HR Department to all staff at the North Pole Incorporated which sets out the conditions under which Christmas workers are now expected to adhere to.
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From: HR_Dept@NPInc.com
To: Allstaff@NPInc.com
Dear Colleagues
According to current rules of politically correct behaviour and after a period of consultation with various interest groups, i hereby enclose the proposals to bring Christmas into line with the 21st Century and avoid unnecessary upset and possible loss of sponsorship by collating the following rules which will be enforced with immediate effect.
According to the wishes of the National Organisation for Women, Father Christmas will now known as 'Non-gender Specific Annual Present Bringer' and PETA have requested that the fur trimmed red suit and black leather boots be banned under cruelty to animal laws.
Elves will now be renamed as 'Non-Standard Height Workers' and the break time meal of candy, cakes and cookies will be changed to a healthier diet of vegetables and fruit due to the concerns of the North Pole Health System of treating your Type 2 Diabetes.
The definition of bad children has also been tweaked as per the United Nations Environment Programme as coal mining is destructive to the planet and should be phased out which will result in more 'good' children therefore more work for the Non-Standard Height Workers.
In line with guidelines from the Equality and Diversity Board, it is proposed that rather than have a team of only reindeer pulling the sleigh, Dasher and Dancer be replaced by two pigs, Prancer a sheep and a lama will take Vixen's place in the line-up.
Rudolph will continue to light the way but in accordance with his lawyers, will be awarded compensation for overdue image rights.
Health and Safety Officers have given the sleigh a once over and will issue a pass certificate once the dangerously sharp metal runners have been removed and we are currently awaiting a mechanic to undergo this work.
The representative for the LBGT Community has asked that staff no longer refer to themselves or others as being 'merry and gay' and Interpol has reminded us that while delivering presents to the houses of children, you are on private property and officially trespassing so be aware and don't touch anything.
The Atheist and Agnostic Alliance International are still concerned over the religious overtones of the period and Christmas will now to be referred to as the 'End-of-Year Event' or 'Pre-Spring Function' and finally, although we previously replaced Merry Christmas with "Happy Holidays" and "Season's Greetings" in agreement with the Non-Christian Society, these phrases have also become too associated with Christmas so play it safe and from now on and just say 'Hi'.
Now let's have the best End-of Year Event ever and remember that this is a special and magical time of year for many, many people.
Thank you
Snowball McTwinkle
HR Department
North Pole Incorporated
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