Special Guest Blogger: Maori God Whiro

Anyone who has brothers and sisters will know how annoying they can be and wow were mine annoying. There was my Dad Papa and my Mum Rangi and my three brothers, a sister and more nephews and nieces then you could shake a stick at all crammed into one place so my brother Tane persuaded my Mum to separate from dad and head upwards to create the sky.   
He was the God of light so of course he loved all that new found space but i liked the darkness, i was the God of it after all goddammit so i headed down into the dark and dank underworld and ignored them all although i did take notice when he began creating the funny little humans to live on Dad's Earth so i made it my ambition to destroy them as quickly as he made them but i wasn't strong enough to languish too long on the surface, so i threw out all the badness i could into the World and retreated to my cave to wait and watch the fun.
I introduced all manner of wickedness to his human world including evil, disease and illness and finally dying and once they died they would come to my world where they would be promptly be eaten by me and each human soul i devoured made me stronger so that eventually i would be sufficiently powerful enough to break free of the dark netherworld, breach the surface, and just devour everything.
I even left the lizard as a visible reminder to the humans that i was still lurking around, just waiting for my chance.
Things were going well and i was playing the long game growing soul by soul until some berk came up with the idea of cremation and their is no nutritional value to ashes so it is unlikely i will ever gain the strength i need now but i think i did enough to ruin Tane's peaceful world as the lying, murder, adultery, theft, crime and general sin i put out there is not going anywhere soon and once cremations fall out of favour and people are buried again again, i'll be seeing you although there does seem to be a lot of psychedelic drugs around now, after eating Whitney Houston i sat down to check my mail and the next thing i know it’s three days later, i’m naked at the bottom of a river banging on a drum and somebody’s pierced my nose so if you are a druggie, i would appreciate it if you knock off the hard drugs a few weeks before you die, i would much appreciate it.