Special Guest Blogger: Drukpa Kunley

We like to think that we know everything about the world, that we're so close to unlocking all the secrets of the Universe but the truth is we can't even agree on what happens to us after we die. Do we spend eternity rotting in the ground, or do we ascend/descend (cross out as appropriate) to the spiritual plane that we deserve? Luckily for us, there is no shortage of religions who have taken it upon themselves to tell us and as a Tibetan Monk, that was my job.
After my training i crossed into Bhutan to help spread Buddhism further but i struggled to get people to listen as the Buddhist teachings were very restrictive and even after simplifying the religious texts for the laypeople to understand, they didn't much care as Buddhism encouraged others not to pursue extremes but i believed these constraints were too restrictive for the average common person to understand.
I sat down and gave it some thought about how i could get down to their level and get my Buddhist message across and then i thought, hmm, they drink and have sex all the time so i thought i will use that, yep, can't see how that will hurt so let's doooooo it, as i later said to the Buthan netball team and declared that i could help to enlighten them while maintaining healthy relationships with many, many, many, many women and the Bhutan people were very much into my message of the virtues of sex and booze.
Some of my most famous performances include urinating on sacred religious banners and stripping down naked and i once offered my testicles to a famous Lama but as impressed as he was with them, he said had his own thanks so turned mine down. 
Women would seek my blessing by bringing me exotic fruits and requesting sexual intercourse, an exchange of show me your melons and i'll show you my plums kind of deal and i became known as the Saint of 5,000 women but it worked because i showed that it is possible to be enlightened and still do things that require a damp rag and a mop and bucket afterwards.
It was just the beginning of my sexy conspiracy but my greatest feat which today sees images of my impressive penis hung on roof corners of new houses for protection was after i used it to defeat the three demons named Loro Duem who were terrorising people.
I showed up to confront them but they combined into one and took the shape of a giant, ferocious dog but i didn’t have the usual weaponry, no sword or knife, no bow and arrow, so i used the only weapon i had to hand, my penis, which i battered the demon to death with, earning my penis the nickname 'The Thunderbolt of Flaming Wisdom'. 
So as well as subduing demons i used it to bless women by hitting them on the head with it but that becomes quite painful after a few blessings so i always carried a wood and ivory version and they are still in possession of my temple, the Chimi Lhakhang, where fertility blessings are still offered in the same way i used to give them, by hitting women on the head with the ten inch tool.
While out walking one day i watched a rainbow build and then dip towards me so fast that i was unable to move out of the way and it pierced my foot and carried me off to the Jokhang Temple where my consciousness entered into the Jowo Sakyamuni statue where i reside to this day, awaiting the appropriate time to return to benefit mankind.
While everyone waits, the Bhutan people make do with scrawling the symbol of my giant penis all over their homes so my legend continues to live on in the form of cock and balls painting everywhere, so your child isn't being crude when they draw it all over their school books, they are just following my Buddhist teachings to drive away evil spirits.