Special Guest Blogger: Greek God Dionysus

I was the God of Sex, Wine and getting off your face drunk and not necessarily in that order but i blame my parents because things were compicated even before i was born.
My mum Semele had a one night thing with Zeus (who didn't) but he was married to Hera who made him appear before my mum in all his robes of radiant glory and as mortals cannot look upon the gods without incinerating, she was consumed in a lightning-ignited flame which frazzled her to a cinder, leaving an unborn baby, me, which Zeus, full of remorse and guilt, popped it into his thigh for safe keeping.
When i was finally born from the top of his leg i was called Dionysus, Hera called me something else altogether and sent some babysitting Titans to tear me apart and eat me.
Rhea, bless her, managed to save me by disguising me as a girl and whisked me away to be brought up in secrecy but Hera discovered the plot, turned me into a ram and gave me as a plaything to a band of nymphs.
So yeah, being born twice, the second time from my fathers thigh and then finding you have four legs, horns and a woolly coat can mess a kid up a bit but i did later get given a more befitting body and while being raised by a bunch of ever-attendant nymphomaniac Nymphs, i discovered i could do two very important things, make wine and make orgasms which could drive you to the brink of madness.
My lover Ariadne was especially thrilled but we drifted apart when she turned into a constellation and the next few years were spent hard drinking, and driving excited females into a frenzy. The orgy-making was as popular as ever but it did get me into a lot of trouble with the authorities and jealous husbands and i headed for Rome and laid low until i emerged as Bacchus.
As Bacchus we held the Bacchanalia festivals which were basically just massive drunken orgies but some of my other responsibilities was for orchards and fruit and vegetation and i was the man who could grow anything big and strong so i am firmly the number one God for vegetables