Special Guest Blogger: Saint Andrew

When some long haired, bearded hippy called Jesus came along to mine and my bothers Peter house to rent a room we were not sure and when he heard we were fishermen and he made a joke about how he will make us fishers of men we both looked at each other and thought oh great, a comedian.
What isn't included in the Bible is just how awful his puns were and i was present on all of the important occasions but thankfully the people who put together the Bible left out the awful puns.
After a week of jokes about our net income, if we need a bigger boat his dad Noah's a man who has an ark and how he never really liked the Ocean because he always thought it was a little fishy, we told him nobody would take him seriously if he kept cracking such awful puns and he did tone it down a bit when he started out properly but he couldn't help himself sometimes.
When he offered the well water to the woman he really did say 'whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst' but he also said 'I would give Moses's coffee a miss though, Hebrews it' and 'Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, but the bit omitted was 'the ones who gather in Churches though are birds of pray'.   
The Last Supper was a laugh riot, that's me in the painting third from the end on the left with my hands up in surprise, he had just picked up the bread, blessed it, broke it into pieces and handed it around saying 'Take and eat as this is my body', we all refused at first and then he said 'take this bread of life or you are all toast'. You can see Matthew saying to the person writing it down off on the next table to leave that bit out.
As we all know he was crucified the next day (it being called the last supper is a clue) and we had to rewrite his last words as 'Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do' because his actual last words were, 'Say what you want about these Romans but they sure have nailed this crucifixion lark, Nailed it! See what i did there?' 
I was crucified myself not long afterwards but i was put on a X shaped cross rather than the T shaped one Jesus died on but no coming back alive for me, my dad wasn't important enough obviously, but i did get to become part of the flag of somewhere called Scotland.
The story goes that Óengus II led an army of Scots into battle against the Angles, led by Æthelstan, and he prayed for victory and two white clouds formed an X shape in the sky and they took it that i was blessing them and they won the battle and was so grateful they made me their patron saint, set a white X against a blue background on their flag and named a golf course after me so i'm glad they paid such attention to wispy clouds and take them cirrus-ly. Bloody hell, he's got me doing it now!!