Special Guest Blogger: Noah Webster

The English language has always been a bit of a mix up of German, French, Latin and Greek and once England got into the habit of sending boats with guns to parts of the world with fewer guns, they began borrowing words from basically every other language on the planet and without a shred of common sense whatsoever, mashed all the different languages together.
English has grown to become the second most widely spoken language in the world, but when America kicked out the British we said we should have our language to reflect our newfound independence and not have anything written by quills owned by Shakespeare or King George III or any of that stupid letter U in words British nonsense and set about making American English.
Founding Father Benjamin Franklin was a keen advocate of spelling things the American way and wanted to introduce a more phonetic alphabet, where letters correspond directly to spoken sounds and came up with his own alphabet which left out the letters C, J, Q, W, X and Y, thus making it completely impossible for people called Jack and Jacque to spell their own names but luckily it was met with a complete lack of interest from everyone basically because it was a God awful idea.
He did say that people spell with their ears and that those people spell best who do not know how to spell and since the English language contains too many fun contradictions, it needed reform and as America's most famous lexicographer, it fell upon me to come up with a new way of spelling things.
I chopped and changed things around and took out the dreaded letter U because it was an unseemly letter that had no business in the middle of a perfectly reasonable word like "color" or 'rumor' and i removed all the unnecessary letters in words like Axe and Plough and chopped the -ed from the end of words and replaced it with -t so snapped turned into snapt and passed into past but the traditionalists were pist and refused to use it.
Sensibly, i decided that this problem could best be solved by somebody else, ideally after i was too dead to hear any whining about having to spending time resetting the spellchecker from Actual English to U.S. English and just dumped my American Dictionary on the nation and then died a few days later but to be honest, with spellcheck and the ability to right-click the red squiggly lines, who the hell spells anything correctly these days anyway?