Special Guest Blogger: Pre-Human Lucy

I was asked to have a look around the modern World and see what my human ancestors had done since Prehistoric times which was a particularly murky spot in human history, a time when hulking, fur-clad cavemen bashed their prey and each other with massive clubs and attempted to invent round things and sharp tools while sitting around in caves, grunting at each other and dragging potential mates around by their hair.
I had the good fortune to die and get thrown into a peat bog so when you modern day humans found me 3.2 million years later, most of me was still intact so i am the oldest known human-ish thing, sort of human because my alloted time on the Planet was just as the apes were turning into humans.
I had quite a long life for a prehistoric cave dweller where the average person spent their life trying to chase sabre toothed tigers away with a stick and i died at the ripe old age of 12 when i went looking for dinner with my spear and there was plenty of animals to hunt that ate simple, healthy, plant-based diets, and for the most part, they didn't tend to be particularly bright but that day my lunch decided to make me into a meal instead and if the wildlife wasn't trying to kill us, we also had the Neanderthals who were big, stupid, hairy man-apes who quite rightly were little more than an evolutionary dead end, essentially apes that had figured out how to use clubs until Homo Sapiens got tired of their bullshit and bashed their big, dumb faces in.
It was thanks to us that you knew which berries are a tasty treat and which will have you squatting in a ditch crapping your intestines inside-out and our species ability to pass information and knowledge from one generation to the next so once humans developed enough they were able to settle down and start multiplying like catholic bunnies.
You turned up with an entire World ready created with oceans and most of the deadliest dinosaurs extinct and an absolute freedom to make what you wanted with it and you soared ahead in many ways, but honestly, you should be a utopia already but Human evolution over the next few million years granted you big brains with the ability for complex thought and the following generations came up with a few, great new ideas that changed the world and move things forward like fire, the wheel, the steam engine, the printing press, the engine, spaceships but you also dreamt up innovations that began ballsing everything up big style.
You took the billion of tonnes of dead dinosaurs and burnt them polluting your home and created a wide array of different Gods to explain how the Earth and Humans were created therefore believing that man was made from dust and life was blown in through his nostril and created a woman from one of his ribs.
To some that makes perfect sense, men from dust and women from a bit of skeleton so all that evolving over billions of years is dismissed as as silly nonsense and ironically, those that are most militant about using up the fossil fuels, now don't actually believe in fossils! Hello...missing link between apes and humans sat right here!
Looking at what you have done you lot have been messing it up for a long time now, history is littered with examples of people who have failed you miserably so you have nuclear missiles, guns, religious wars, plastic, pollution, nuclear waste, climate change, you really have jiggered the entire effing lot, haven’t you.
When the human race finally kills its stupid self and makes the Earth uninhabitable, and it obviously will be, i'd like to think that you will be treated to a season-finale-esque montage of the Earths best moments but that won't feature you lot for very long because thanks to you the Planet’s gone. Well done, humans!