Saturday, 21 May 2016

Thank You Celebrities

I was starting to regret offering to stand in for the physics teacher last week especially as it was the week when i could only contact celebrities for advice, typically while explaining bosonic open string theory in 26-dimensional flat spacetime, i stupidly forgot the general element of the Fock-space, so i calmly excused myself and stood in the corridor wondering who i could phone to rescue me.
I decided to call Brian May as he has a PhD in astrophysics and he explained how i needed to  quantify the upper range and interpret them as classical fields representing the tachyon T , gauge field A and a ghost field. Doh, of course, thank Brian.
One student got so excited he fell off his chair and banged his head on the floor, an accident that he said was due to faulty seating equipment and he would sue the college for personal injury.
I excused myself again to check the law in this area with a celebrity with a law degree. Gerard Butler was busy, as was John Cleese and Fidel Castro but Julio Iglesias picked up and after a brief review he said that as the student was leaning back on the chair when he fell, it did not satisfy Clause 57(1) (b) of the Criminal Justice and Courts Act 2015 Act which requires a court to dismiss the whole of a personal injury claim if it is satisfied that the claimant was partly responsible for the accident.
Thanking Julio, i then went and told the student to shut up and find another chair. 
At the end of the day i went to drive home but found that my Greek imported NAMCO Pony-Citroën wouldn't start and when i found the picture of the the red flashing light on the dashboard in the users manual, discovered that this was all in Greek but i never panicked, simply made a call to Chris Martin who has a degree in Greek and read out the bits of the manual which he translated from the Greek 'apó venzíni' into the English 'out of petrol'. Doh again. 
At home i was asked to write a quick blog post about apostrophes but i know nothing about where the ' goes so mulled over the celebrities with English degrees who could help me. Hugh Laurie was out of town, David Duchovny was on set with Renee Zellwegar so they were both out, Chevy Chase wasn't taking calls and Stephen King scares me so i dialled the charming actor James Franco who was more than willing to help out and fifteen minutes later i was finished. Cheers James, and keep up the fine acting. 
My last job for the day was to finish my Tax Return but its so complicated and Mick Jagger may have a degree in finance but i can never understand a word he says but Lionel Richie made good use of his Economics degree and talked me through the finer points of claiming personal pension relief. I in turn advised him that he should answer his phone by saying 'Hello, is it me you're looking for?'
I then turned in for the night but couldn't resist one more call but David Boreanaz seems to have my number barred since he found out i was not ringing him to question him on his communications degree. Apparently the injunction lasts for 12 months. 
Finally, after an hour of tossing and turning and being unable to sleep, i made a call to Mathematics degree holder Mr T and asked him to explain calculus to me and within 30 seconds i was sleeping like a baby.

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